Tuesday, February 21, 2012

we can rebuild her.



Lasik: THE REAL DEAL

1. During your annual eye exam, mindlessly say something about, "I wish I had Lasik, SIGH." When your optometrist points out that he had Lasik and loves it, begin to think that your grandmother might be wrong. Lasik could be a viable option and not a one-way trip to Blindsville courtesy of a knife-wielding maniac, especially if you go to the Dr. Woolfson, who did Lasik on the Atlanta Falcons. Those guys would totally beat him up if his work wasn't perfect, right?

2. Schedule an appointment at your optometrist's Lasik specialist. Do lots of research. Specifically avoid the descriptions of knives and lasers and eyeballs.

3. Go to the appointment, go through lots of tests, and learn that you're a perfect candidate and there's no reason to wait.

4. Wait.

5. Do insurance research and figure out the smartest way to handle expensive surgery.

6. Schedule the appointment and be really surprised that they're just like, "Great, see you then!" without any mention of, "AND BRING YOUR SEEING EYE DOG, HA HA!"

7. Get really excited. Psych yourself up. Wear glasses for three weeks and realize how much you hate glasses and how you're almost blind while driving. Schedule childcare and freak out and show up to your appointment in a cozy sweater and ass-kicking boots.

8. Wonder why the office is empty and the receptionist looks worried.

9. Try not to cry when they tell you your surgery was rescheduled and no one bothered to tell you.

1o. Try not to scream when you realize that you're going to have to wait another month and reschedule ALL THE THINGS and re-psysch yourself up.

11. Make everyone else reschedule ALL THEIR THINGS so you can have surgery tomorrow. Feel smug and worried and annoyed.

12. Show up at 10am. Almost fail some weird test that involves widening your pupils, which even you can't control. Put a towel over your head and pass the test and take 10 more tests and convince your nurse to read your book.

13. Go into a room and sit in a circle with a bunch of strangers who can't see each other because none of them are allowed to wear glasses or contacts. Have numbing drops put in your eyeballs. Feel your eyeballs go numb. Wear a blue surgical hat, blue booties, and a little green sticker on your forehead that tells them who you are and what they're supposed to chop up on your eyes.

13.5. Decide you need to use the restroom. Be unable to find it. Have a nurse lead you. Accidentally spray mouthwash all over your hands instead of soap because you can't read the pump bottle. Find your way back to THE ROOM by touch.

13.75. Wonder if the other blind people recognize that you reek of mouthwash.

14. Watch everyone else go into a secret door AND NEVER RETURN. One by one, they disappear. Realize that this situation is a lot like that hunch you got at Epcot in 5th grade that every now and then, they dumped someone off a ride and they died in a tangle of animatronic teeth. Get nervous. Try not to yark.

15. They call your name. You smile. You go in THE DOOR.

16. The room is dark, with several operating stations set up. You lay down where indicated and hope your little green forehead dot is accurate.

17. Things start moving very, very quickly. No one tells you what is happening, and you realize that this is because if you knew what was about to happen, you'd stand up and run like hell. All you see are gloved fingers, machines, and flashes of light. Consider bolting but realize that you are too blind and also not a wuss. NOT A WUSS.

18. They tape your eyelids to your forehead. You think CLOCKWORK ORANGE OMG!

19. They squeeze down your eyeball with a plastic frame. You start screaming inside.

20. Lights flash. Things go dark, then bright. You look into the Eye of Sauron and want to scream ONE CANNOT SIMPLY WALK INTO LASIK. You feel like you're in a scifi movie. You do everything they say, because you know that if anything goes wrong, you will never, ever be able to do this again. You smell your own cornea burning, and it smells like a curling iron singeing hair. Then you see the doctor's fingers brushing your eyeball with a paintbrush, and you realize this is possibly the most surreal thing that will ever happen to you in your entire life.

21. They release the eyeball frame, untape the eyeball, and start on the other eye, and you realize that the second one is both harder and easier than the first, because you know what's going to happen, but IT SUCKS.

22. Repeat 20.

23. More eyeball painting.

24. They help you up and take your picture in your fabulous hair net and forehead sticker and some very stylish sunglasses so that they can post it on Facebook and maybe you'll win an iPad and you're all, FINE, WHATEVER, I AM SO MESSED UP RIGHT NOW.

25. Then you realize you can read the clock across the room.

26. YOU. CAN READ THE CLOCK. ACROSS THE ROOM.

27. You think about crying with joy, but your eyes feel like a cat scratched them open and took a gritty crap therein.

28. You are told not to look at a computer screen for two days, even though it's your livelihood, escape, and entertainment.

29. You are handed an iPad and asked to log in to Facebook, and you are deeply confused.

30. You go home and spend the rest of the day on sleeping pills and muscle relaxers with plastic shields taped over your eyes.

31. You wake up at 4am and peel the plastic off your eyes and realize your eyelashes are stuck together like Aeon Flux and you drizzle eye drops in them until they open and you realize that YOU CAN SEE. YOU CAN SEE EVERYTHING. YOU CAN SEE THE ALARM CLOCK FOR THE FIRST TIME IN YOUR LIFE, AND IT IS AWESOME.

32. Ten days later, you realize Lasik is one of the top 10 best decisions of your life.

4 comments:

Tanya said...

Number 20 feels like you're having your windshield cleaned by a really fancy bum. It was also the most nauseating part for me.

delilah s. dawson said...

Yeah. It was... horrible and awesome and awesomely horrible and horribly awesome and it made me feel like I was a painting being varnished.

Anne Riley said...

Oh my gosh. I so want Lasik but I am so terrified of it! But I want it so bad! But I am AFRAAAAAID!

EttyOop said...

Envy, I has it!

Alas, I am

a) TERRIFIED of LASIK. You know your grandma's words about it? Yeah, that's what my husband says :-P

b) apparently not a good candidate. Meh.

You? Are so lucky! WOO!!!!