Sunday, February 12, 2012

meditations on burning corneas

The 10 Worst Things about Lasik

1. The actual surgery was like a flashback from Clockwork Orange.

2. Did I mention that I smelled my own corneas burning?

3. I haven't been able to write for three days.

4. I had to spend an entire day in bed, asleep.

5. Then I had to spend two more days not driving, being fed and coddled, and napping constantly.

6. My eyelashes got all stuck together last night while I was asleep, and I woke up at 4am and couldn't open my eyes, and I dreamed I was that chick from Aeon Flux, but I couldn't chase the plasticky German scientist because my superhero eyelashes were malfunctioning.

7. I keep finding myself standing in front of my contact lens case, feeling confused.

8. I have an entire box of unopened contacts left over. THEY DON'T REIMBURSE FOR THAT, YOU KNOW.

9. I can't wear eye makeup for a week.

10. The world has now seen what I look like in a poofy blue hat and funny sunglasses.

Oh, wait. There are really on 3 bad things on that list, aren't there?

I guess that leads us into the...

TOP 10 AWESOME THINGS ABOUT LASIK

1. Numbers 4 through 7 above.

2. I CAN SEE.

3. No, really. I can see. I can see all over the place. I can read the alarm clock. I can read the drawings on the fridge. I can drive without blurry bits in my peripheral vision. I'll be able to scuba dive and swim and ride horses, all while SEEING.

4. I CAN SEE.

5. I CAN SEE SO GOOD, Y'ALL, OMIGAH. 20/15 vision.

6. There's still a little bit of blurriness around light, and it feels all religious and glowy, like someone should be singing a chorus in the background whenever I gaze out a window.

7. Now I can write again. I just have to blink a lot and put in eye drops.

8. Next time I go on a plane, I won't have to wear my glasses and then lose them and find them and get off the plane and put in my contacts in the airport bathroom before I meet people. So I should probably go on a nice trip soon to test that out.

9. I CAN SEE.

10. For the first time since third grade, I feel that I'll actually have a chance when the zombiepocalypse comes. Well, except for in regards to my thyroid, but whatever. I'll get a lot of exercise, running from all the zombies.

In conclusion: LASIK IS AWESOME.

And Dr. Krog is awesome for taking care of me and the wee monsters for three days. He's a trooper. And he brought me almond croissants, too. That's love, y'all.

*

3 comments:

Virginia Valerie said...

Yay, you, in so many ways! Congrats! And props to Dr. Krog!

urfaqhesse said...

10. For the first time since third grade, I feel that I'll actually have a chance when the zombiepocalypse comes. Well, except for in regards to my thyroid, but whatever. I'll get a lot of exercise, running from all the zombies.


THIS IS THE SOLE REASON I HAVE EVER WANTED LASIX. Thank you for understanding me.

delilah s. dawson said...

Urfs, if the zombies ever take over, I WANT YOU ON MY TEAM. So get your eyeballs lasered, man. No regrets. Whatever Mr. Quadri tells you, it's fabulous.