Friday, August 5, 2011

from the mouths of terrible lizards


While the Biscuit navigates her first week of public school, I'm at home with this guy.

It's weird, being an only child with two kids. I don't have a model for how to parent them, so I just try to keep them from tearing each other apart like baby weasels. While the Biscuit had me all to herself for almost three years. t.rex has always had a loquacious, bossy, helpful older sister to take care of him... and steal the spotlight.

But now? Man, is he ever enjoying his chance to shine. And talk.

Here are a few of our conversations from today.

*

t.rex: You give me steak?

me: Here's some steak.

t.rex: You give me my own?

me: Right there. That's yours. Eat that.

t.rex: You give me all the steak?

me: No.

t.rex: YES! GIVE ME ALL MINE OWN STEAK!

me: No, sir.

t.rex: GIVE ME ALL THE STEAK I WANT THE STEAK! IT IS ALL MINE!

me: (growing vexed) DO YOU REALLY WANT TO FIGHT ABOUT IT?

t.rex: (hits me across the face with a wooden spatula) YES, I DO.

me: Fair enough, dude.

And then I picked him up, slung him over my shoulder like a bag of potatoes, and deposited him in his room for a nap. He was asleep within 2 minutes.

*

t.rex: What's dis strawberry's name?

me: Strawberries don't have names.

t.rex: What's his name?

me: Inanimate objects don't have names. Only people and pets and maybe cars, if you really dig them.

t.rex: What's his name?

me: He doesn't...

t.rex: WHAT HIS NAME?

me: STEVE.

t.rex: Oh. Okay. I EAT STEVE. NOMNOMNOMSTEVE.

*

t.rex: Dis my baby. He no can walk. I carry him.

me: You're a good daddy.

t.rex: Yeah, I a good daddy. Like my daddy is good daddy. I put dis baby to bed.

(he runs into the other room)

t.rex: (from the other room) You go bed, baby. Baby nappin'. I sing you a song. DA ITTY BITTY SPIDER CLIMB ALL OVER YOU. HERE COME THE FIRE, I GET THE FIRE HOSE. FIRE EAT YOU UP, HERE BABY HAB SOME FRUIT.

(pause)

t.rex: Mommy, come see my babies! I put dem all to sleep!

me: Wow, son. You buried all your babies under a pile of pillows. You totally smothered them.

t.rex: (sits on top of the pillows) Yeah. Dey cozy now.

*

t.rex: What you doing?

me: I'm chopping up vegetables for lunch.

t.rex: I eat dem now?

me: Nope. They have to cook first.

t.rex: I chop dem? I am very big boy.

me: Sorry, dude. You can't use a knife.

t.rex: I CAN. I CAN USE A KNIFE. I AM BIG. YOU GIB ME KNIFE.

me: No.

t.rex: I just cut dem a little bit?

me: Still no.

t.rex: You gib me sweet potato fry I put it in my mouf?

me: If I give you some kale chips, will you go in the other room?

t.rex: (thinks about it) Yeah, I will.

me: It's almost too easy.

t.rex: Yeah, I easy.

*

As a final note, despite that last conversation... he's so not easy. Oy.

The twos can indeed be terrible.

Tremendous.

And terrible.

1 comment:

stephanie constantin said...

LOVE! Sounds so much like Caiden!