Friday, August 26, 2011

baker vs. booker

10 Reasons Why I'm a Better At Writing than Housewifery

1. Writing is a lot easier to say, because "housewifery" has a short i. So it's more howse-WIFF-ery, which makes it sound like a horrible new kind of Swiffer. I hate Swiffer.

2. In writing, it's easy to go back and change something. But when I clean the kitchen to a razor-fine shine and *THEN* bake the cake, brownies, and muffins, it just means I have to clean all over again. I hate cleaning.

3. You never have to scrub words with your fingers and get brown mystery gunk under your fingernails. I hate mystery gunk.

4. At the end of the long, painful writing cycle, I get a book. (Supposedly.) At the end of cleaning and cooking for a party, I get two sugared-up monsters and an even bigger mess than I started out with. I hate bigger messes.

5. Even if the writing is really top-notch, it's not like I snack on the words. But the cake and brownies in the oven? Half of them are in my stomach, the uncooked eggs writhing with bacteria and calories. I hate bacterial calories.

6. It's unlikely that I'll burn myself while writing, unless the coffee or pizza is too hot. But I burn myself *WITHOUT FAIL* while baking. Seriously. I just burned my fingers. There go my dreams of being a hand model for hipster steampunk typewriters!

7. I have these insanely bizarre ideas for books. WHAT IF THERE WAS A STEAMPUNK WORLD WITH BLOOD DRINKERS WHO WEREN'T VAMPIRES AND THERE WERE ALSO VAMPIRE BUNNIES AND CIRCUSES? And it works. But my meager dreams of baking always come out lopsided and bizarre. I... actually like lopsided and bizarre. But I don't like it when I can't live up to my own expectations.

8. When I'm writing and my toddler asks me to read to him, I never mind taking a break to read. But when he wants to get involved in baking and squeezes 3 smashed bananas into the floor and knocks over a bottle of oil, I want to tear my eyebrows out by the roots.

9. I can write anywhere, provided they have coffee and I have earbuds. But I have to bake in my house, which only makes it messier, and then I have to clean again and try to keep myself from eating whatever I just baked. Also, I am out of coffee.

10. The entire time I'm thinking about baking and cleaning, I'm really just thinking about things I'd like to write.

On the upside, the house smells MARVELOUS.

More later.

Back to the HOUSEWIFERY.

*

1 comment:

Tanya said...

Spilled oil on the floor just . . . makes my soul sad inside. Thinking about it made it hurt behind my eyes.

Seriously, do you submit suggestions for your captcha? Smorsess? Made me think of smores!!