Tuesday, June 28, 2011

IUDon't - a post FOR GIRLS ONLY, srsly

EXTRA URGENT WARNING:
Guys keep reading this and getting all grossed out.
DON'T READ IT.
I promise there's no hidden naked sexy pillow fight.

But if you like that sort of thing, my book comes out next year. HEY-O!

*

Urgent Warning:

1. If you are an EDITOR reading one of my books, this is an unusual post. Most of them are about cupcakes, kangaroodles, adventures, and randomness. But this is a topic about which I feel strongly, so I want to spread the word. Instead, you might like my review of Labyrinth.

2. If you are a BOY, you are NOT WELCOME to read this post, even if you are artistic and gentle and sensitive to a woman's needs. You don't want to hear it. It includes horrible descriptions of ladybits gone wrong. It's for girls only. FOR GIRLS ONLY. So go read this post about boobies instead.

3. If you are a BOY EDITOR, all I can say is ABANDON HOPE, ALL YE WHO ENTER HERE, and please read this post instead. It's about Robinson Crusoe, who was also a boy. So there's that.

Okay. We good? We good.


***


Now where were we girls? Ah, yes.

BIRTH CONTROL SUCKS THE HAIRY BIRD.

Remember this post? How hopeful I was? I thought that little copper voodoo doll was going to solve all of my problems, or at least the ones that involve rabid fertility and my inability to keep track of more than two moving targets at once.

Alas, no.

I had it removed today due to horrible, wretched side effects.

It went like this:

Nurse Practitioner: Hi! Please meet my intern!

me: Are you sure you want her here for this?

NP: Yes, she's training to be an OB/GYN. It's part of the landscape!

me: Yes, but I'm a huge sissy. And also a screamer.

intern: (looks frightened, tries to smile, fails)

NP: So here's the speculum.

me: AAAAAAAAH WHY WON'T YOU PEOPLE EVER GIVE ME VALIUM AAAAAH!

NP: Okay, can you please relax? Put your knees down?

me: MY KNEES ARE DOWN YOU PUT YOUR KNEES DOWN SHUT UP.

NP: Okay, so here go the pincers, and I'm just going to grab the...

me: YOU'RE DONE, RIGHT? WHY DID YOU STOP TALKING? THAT'S NOT GOOD.

NP: I need to get something else.

me: DID YOU LOSE THE GIANT TWEEZER IN ME?

NP: No, I just need to get some... um... smaller utensils.

me: I KNEW IT. I'M A FREAK.

NP: No, you're just... a little tense.

me: OH GOD OH GOD GET IT OUT.

etc.

Which is all well and good and funny, but she did eventually get it out, and I made her show it to me, because I wanted PROOF that it was gone.

Want to hear the entire, horrid story?

I think I'm going to tell it, even though it's very embarrassing to discuss such things with strangers, mainly because if I had read this sort of thing when I was looking for viable, non-hormonal, reversible birth control options, I would never have tried the Paragard copper IUD.

Getting it in was rough, again, see this post.

The first six trips to visit Aunt Flo at the Crimson Cabana, if you get my drift, were hellish. Messy. Like, Romero film messy. Lay in bed for three days on a tarp messy. And so, so painful that I used up my leftover painkillers from childbirth, because plopping out an 8-pounder was actually less painful.

Then it got easier. But I could always feel it poking me. And something just didn't feel right.

And then something very bad happened, something that the Nurse Practitioner smiled nicely about today when I told her but probably didn't believe. I'm pretty sure that twice, I had a chemical pregnancy followed by a miscarriage, and it was utterly horrible.

I had all the same early pregnancy signs I had with both kids-- clear skin, melasma, gain 5 pounds, bloating, only wanting to eat macaroni. My ticket to ride the Scarlet Express was over a week late. And then it was Romero time again, along with horrible, stabbing pains in my back and legs, followed by a day of uncontrollable, desolate crying. Crying like the world was ending, like I had lost something I needed desperately.

And I'm not much of the crying type, and there was nothing wrong, and I never, ever want to feel that way again.

That's why I had my Paragard removed.

In the brochure, they say that they're not quite sure how it works, only that it keeps an egg from implanting. But they don't mention how very real a possibility it is that a fertilized egg might want to implant and might just take your body through the entire hellish hormone cycle of a lost pregnancy. Twice.

I hear the Mirena is better, thanks to the hormones. But I'm not trying an IUD again in the foreseeable future.

That's why I spent my my morning ruining an intern's career path and my afternoon thumb-wrestling a NuvaRing.

But that's a story for another time, and that other time is NEVER, because it's just too weird.

*

I take it back. Want to hear about the Nuvaring?

Let's just say that within 24 hours of wrestling Satan's jelly bracelet into place, I was in another room, screaming into a pillow, crying uncontrollably, and pretty sure I was a horrible mother, a suckass writer, and a hopeless failure at life.

So what did we learn today, kids?

1. Hormones, dey are bitchez.

2. Don't insert a Nuvaring unless you own a winch and some calipers, because DAMN.

3. Birth control is a lot harder AFTER having kids than it was for the 10 years before that.

4. I have no f*cking clue what to do now.

*

So that's my story. I honestly don't know what the next step is, but I'm so emotionally and hormonally wounded right now that I'm not sure it matters.

But I do know one thing.

Tomorrow is sure to be a better day.

*

22 comments:

Gardengirl said...

SO painful to read ... vascectomy??

Alice Istanbul said...

I'm so sorry you had to go through all that :( No one should have to keep suffering like this.
You know my thoughts on the subject. Once we reach a certain age, I believe it's the man's turn to bear the responsibility of birth control. It's just 10 minutes in the doctor's office and 1.5 days of ice on the crotch. Done and done. And just as easily reversible if you change your mind and want more kids later on.

Tristan said...

This was funny and horrifying all it once, kudos to you. After myson I got the marena even though hormones and I are mortal enemies and it worked great, aunt flo was light and easy and like No side effects I recommend this ;)

delilah, the unruly helpmeet said...

Thanks for the sympathy, dear friends! Let's do remember to keep the emphasis on me and my wanky wombat vs. scaring poor Dr. Krog. He's shy.

Julie Marsh said...

You do know I got pregnant on a Paragard, right?

Scarlet express is still in full effect over here, even after tubes tied (and vasectomy - all bedrooms are occupied, so I'm taking no chances). My OB/GYN suggested Nova Sure to abate the flow, but from what I can tell, that entails setting fire to my insides.

Erica said...

Charting your cycle. Have you ever read taking charge of your fertility? It's a great book that details charting your cycle for conception and birth control. Of course, if you do it wrong or use a faulty condom, you'll end up like us.... And then, on your third, you'll get your tubes tied...

delilah, the unruly helpmeet said...

I charted once. And then there was t.rex. =)

BELIEVE ME, guys. I've done my homework. No good options. I'm becoming a nun. Don't tell Dr. Krog.

Abigail said...

honestly, give yourself a good long break from the trauma and then consider the Mirena. I couldn't handle the hormonal side effects even from the low-dose pills, but I've had no noticeable effects from it at all.

Also, my period has entirely called it quits. Entirely! (This is a little unnerving, but also amazing) Also, I have never felt it. Ever. I think maybe it didn't fit you right, and I think if you ever try it again you should def tell your NP immediately if you can feel it poking. That sounds awful.

good luck!

Tabitha said...

I've never read your blog before, but saw @thatkristen's tweet about this post.

I, too, am having a difficult time finding the right birth control option. I'm currently breastfeeding, so hopefully that will hold me over for a little while (not much longer, though; she's 6 months already). I don't want anything with hormones, I'm not consistent with charting (or actually abstaining from "dangerous" days, as those seem to be the ONLY time I want to have sex), and I'm not so keen on the idea of a foreign object being implanted in my body. Ugh. I'm hoping my husband will decide that him not wanting any more kids is enough for him to get a vasectomy.

Heather said...

I get nervous every time someone tells me they're getting an IUD. Your story clinched the no deal for me.

@Julie Marsh, my father in law's wife just had that done and she's very happy with the results.

stinestrain said...

I'm glad the evil thing is gone. Sorry that Satan's Jelly Bracelet (totally made me chortle) doesn't seem to be any better.

I hope you figure something out. I was going to make a really crude comment but I don't want you to have to censor me, so I won't :P

Julie said...

I think Krog might prefer a Big V to you becoming a nun. Tony loves his now.

RosyRevolver said...

Soooooooo sorry, D. And Amen, Alice.

Mirena. DON'T DO IT. Ahem. Just sayin'.

HUGS and Midol, my friend.

Virginia Valerie said...

Darling, it shouldn't be this hard and you have suffered more than anyone every should. I'm with Alice on this one. If not, then barrier methods. If condoms are not an option, then diaphragm or something? No idea if they are any good or just a pain. But seriously, hon, YOU have been through enough. Time to start sharing risk/pain/agony of birth control. I wish I could lend you some of my natural fertility persnickety-ness.

Crystal said...

Delilah, this sounds waaayy to similar to what I went thru 8 years ago w/not 1 but 2 IUDs. They wouldn't stay in place, and the pain I was in (and I did natural childbirth & had appendicitis for 3 days without knowing, so I'm no wussy) was ungodly. Both times, the IUDs lodged into my cervix and had to be dug out. Doctor told me it was likely b/c I was so active (running & weight lifting) and my body recognized it was a foreign body and pushed it out. I'll never have one again. The very thought of them makes me squeamish. I'm so, so, so very sorry you had this experience.

Andrea, The Barefoot Bard said...

Delilah, I don't know if this has already been explored... but is a cervical cap an option for you? Here is a link that tells about it, and my midwife can fit you for one.

http://www.plannedparenthood.org/health-topics/birth-control/cervical-cap-20487.htm

Spotted Sparrow said...

Can I give you a virtual hug? I wish I knew of some magical device to tell you about. You'll be OK. You will.

Wendy said...

*So* much sympathy... I hope you find something that works for you. (and ugh, OB/GYN staffers who don't believe you when you accurately report symptoms! UGH! Phooey on them, I say!)

delilah, the unruly helpmeet said...

I just wish I knew how many dudes read this post anyway and were all UGH, GROSS, NEED BRAIN BLEACH, BRING ON THE BOOBIES OF MEGAN FOX.

K A B L O O E Y said...

The sponge? Dr. Krog's spongeworthy, right? Can you still buy these things? I spend my birth control $$ on lubricant these days, because Aunt Flo's apparently written me out of her will. The sponges are easy, except when they slip from your fingers and fly across the bathroom. But that beats stabbing pain any day. Good luck, and oh my. You need a new medical team.

Christa said...

There are no words. All options suck. I did chart and it worked but unless you have a very regular cycle, charting = pregnant.

Sorry, this sucks. And an editor would surely have sympathy for you.

Caroline D. said...

I don't know what to say, Delilah. I get that this isn't about Dr. Krog's male anatomy per se, but if I ever hear of you being in that kind of bloody pain again in an effort to have non-procreative sexual relations with Dr. Krog's anatomy, I will have to risk his high esteem and pinch him until he begs for a vasectomy.

I say this because I love you. He should appreciate that, don't you think?
-carrie