Wednesday, June 1, 2011

down with my shorts!


You must be this tall to wear jorts.
I am clearly not tall enough.


When I was fifteen, I got called into my boss's office and chewed out. Why?

I was wearing shorts that were too short.

It was unprofessional.

I was chastened. And I cut off another pair of jeans for a slightly longer, rolled up look. The early 90's were pretty sweet like that.

And I'm also pretty sure that was the last time I wore shorts with any enthusiasm. No matter what I've been doing and what state my body has been in, I have pretty much hated shorts since 1996 or so.

Why?

I don't like the way they feel, and I don't think I look good in them. By the time I get a pair short enough to look good, I find that when I sit down in them, the backs of my legs touch whatever I'm sitting on, and that makes me deeply uncomfortable.

So when I think about going to Disneyworld this summer, I'm flummoxed.

What do you wear to Disneyworld when you abhor shorts and avoid sensible walking shoes?

I asked Twitter, and they said, "Wear cotton dresses/skirts and Chucks."

So I said, "TWITTER, YOU ARE FULL OF WIN."

I asked Facebook, and they said, "Suck it up and wear shorts anyway."

So I said, "NO. YOU CAN'T MAKE ME. F*CK SHORTS."

I guess it's just that unruly streak of mine.

I went shopping at four different stores. I tried on at least 60 pairs of shorts, from the hot pants in the Juniors department to the Sensible Stylish Business Shorts in the Misses department. I tried jean shorts and khaki shorts and soft cargo shorts and seersucker shorts, which are pretty much a crime against humanity.

And in the end, I went with my gut instinct.

NO SHORTS.

I will be taking soft cotton skirts, leather flip flops. and One-Stars to Disney.

And it has nothing to do with my body or my legs or my self esteem. It's flat out aesthetics and comfort, backed by a solid streak of stubbornness.

So here's my list:

I'm not wearing shorts, and you can't make me. I'm also not wearing tennis shoes, Crocs, Ugg boots, skorts, capris, bodysuits, jumpsuits, shirts with zippers, wide horizontal stripes, monokinis, or anything that requires dry cleaning. I'm not having my hair highlighted, I'm not going to curl it, and I'm not going to straighten it. As soon as these acrylic nails pop off, I'm done with that, too. I'm not wearing foundation, I'm not getting colored contacts, I've never had a spray tan, and I absolutely refuse to use a Bump It.

I have nothing against any of these options for others-- they're just not for me, and I'm sick of the media and the internet telling me that they're necessary.

2011, I am not your bitch.

And you can't make me wear shorts.

13 comments:

Harley May said...

"YEAH! F*CK SHORTS," she said while wearing cotton shorts.

I get you and support this. Only wear what feels right and natural.

Sundresses are boss for theme parks. Really. They are all I wear in the summer, mostly.

ChaosMandy said...

I hate shorts - I'd much rather wear pants, capris or skirts.

I do, however, adore my Crocs. Most comfortable shoes ever.

I, ironically, got my first pair of Crocs for my Disney World honeymoon a few years ago and they were a godsend since Disney World is like walking a really long marathon with rides and costumed characters. You are brave to do Disney World over the summer.

charissimo said...

Yes to sundresses (I like just above the knee A-lines), yes to capris. I also love my legs and hate the shorts - the sticky-back-of-the-leg phenomenon is especially revolting.

Angela@BeggingTheAnswer said...

I also hate shorts. Thus, I either wear dresses OR I suck it up and wear light-weight PANTS all summer. But not shorts. Not even capris - I'm petite with short legs, so capris usually make me look like a hobbit - especially considering I'm the world's laziest leg-shaver.

Marbella Jewelry Designs said...

i'm going to disney world next week. i like the idea of a skirt or dress. but no flip flops for me. my back will be killing me by the end of the day.

urfaqhesse said...

I wear tennis skirts - shorts underneath to prevent the ineer thigh sweat and a nice cute sporty skirt on top, no nasty feeling when you sit down. And they're kinda sexy. I work out in them and chillax in them as well.

a good sundress goes far, but i worry about getting crap on em.

Rachel211 said...

I live in Florida very close to Orlando - and whatever you do dress for HEAT and comfort. If you choose not to wear sneakers that's fine, but make sure whatever shoes you do wear you have worn before and are comfortable. Like someone else said in here going all day long is like walking a marathon. Disney World is WAY bigger than Disney Land. :)

p.s. Buy some ponchos before you go to the park. It will down pour at some point (that is just Florida in the summer) and they will charge you way too much in the parks. Plus that is the best time to get to rides because people go hide out in the restaurants! The rain always stops after about 20 min.

Virginia Valerie said...

LOVE your title.

amber d* said...

I was walzting around the house one day wearing shorts and my 11-year-old niece stopped and gawked at me and said, "But you never wear shorts." It got me thinking why I didn't. My first instinct was because I'm fat and I have tree trunk thighs. Shorts like to rub them and that hurts, but really, I just don't like shorts. I dunno why. Just don't like them. Now capris on the other hand - bring em on. Those are my thang.

Anonymous said...

I agree that you should wear a poncho. I have a very nice one I got on the Mexican border.

Also, I haven't worn shorts since at least the 9th grade. I have very shapely calves and I don't like to make other people jealous.

Liz in Virginia said...

Sundresses, jersey tank dresses, flowy skirts -- all so much better than shorts! Disney is a "World" unto itself -- but traveling in skirts means you are always dressed appropriately.

Spotted Sparrow said...

F*CK SHORTS! I am so with you! My hatred stems from a childhood of being told "OMG you're so pale! Get a tan!" Now I own my pale and rock skirts, but still think shorts were made by the devil.

Have fun in Disney!

Anonymous said...

this is why I worship you.

p.s. check out REI. I got some killer prana capris there that are all about being not-hot and not-shorted.

-carrie