Sometimes, I imagine what would happen if High School Me:
Met Now Me:
High School Me: Excuse me, ma'am.
Now Me: Dude, did you just "Ma'am" me?
HSM: Um, yeah. Sorry. It's just that you were staring at me.
NM: Um, yeah. Sorry. It's the eyebrows. You know there should be two, right?
HSM: I pluck every day!
NM: It's not working. Go find a place that does eyebrow threading. Seriously, it will change your life.
HSM: I don't want to look like I try too hard.
NM: Don't worry. You don't, not to other people. But really, you try *way* too hard, and you have no idea what you're doing. And you think everyone is staring at you all the time, but they're not. And if they are, it's for a different reason than because you're as awesome as your mom says you are. Also, let's buy our jeans and shoes in the women's department next time, okay?
HSM: I love these jeans. They're Calvin Klein.
NM: Honey, no. You look like a baggy schlub. It's okay to buy clothes that actually fit. It's okay to look nice.
HSM: I LOOK NICE!
NM: Everything's baggy. Your shoes remind me of Frankenstein. And the blue eyeshadow is just sad.
HSM: You seem really vain and judgmental.
NM: Hi, pot. I'm the kettle. And I know that one day, when you find your style and get to a point where you actually like your body, you'll thank me. I know exactly how you feel. I know that you scare people off by seeming standoffish when you're actually just shy and have no idea how to make friends, make small talk, or ask questions. I know that you want to look pretty and feel good about yourself but are terrified of trying too hard, or looking like you try too hard, or trying too hard and failing. I know that you don't wear skirts or dresses because of that time you flashed everyone when that guy stole your lunchbox.
HSM: OH MY GOD, ARE YOU THE METATRON?
NM: Close enough. I'm you in 16 years. And I want you to know that everything you worry about now... none of it matters. Everything that embarrasses you now will be forgotten. Everything that scares you now? You'll conquer it. Right now, you feel deeply and passionately, but you have no focus and no ambition and are content to make good grades and think of yourself as an artist. One day, you'll figure out what you want to do, and you'll make it happen.
HSM: That sounds awesome.
NM: Well, a lot of sincerely horrible shit is going to happen before then. Lots of it will happen next year, actually. But the good news is that you'll survive it and come out even stronger and more awesome on the other side.
HSM: I have so many questions. What will I do with my life? Will I get married? Will I be a famous artist? Will I have kids? WILL I EVER GET A PONY?
NM: That'll be our little secret.
HSM: No fair.
NM: If there's one thing you already know, it's that life isn't fair. But I will give you one little hint.
NM: Buy stock in Apple. And seriously, look into the eyebrow thing. It's creeping me out. They're like two caterpillars fencing.