Sunday, March 20, 2011

another twisted experiment gone wrong. so wrong.


I wouldn't say I'm a quitter.

I would just say that I figure out when something isn't working and then stop doing it.

In the past five years that I've kept this blog, I've gone off sugar a couple of times, went vegan for several months, and spent an awful lot of time trying to find satisfactory replacements for dairy and cupcakes, for which there are none.

But, honestly, none of those were life changes. There wasn't a EUREKA moment where I realized that I felt or looked any better. And yet, like anybody, I keep thinking there's some secret silver bullet that's going to suddenly clear up my skin, give me energy, help me sleep, and help me instantly drop the 15 extra pounds that have plagued me every single day of my life.

Dr. Krog recently bought this book called TRANSCEND, which is about The Singularity. I know it sounds like a bad Tom Cruise movie, but it's actually a brilliant concept that says that technology is moving at an exponential pace, and if we can just hold on long enough, supercomputers will solve all of our health issues and allow us to live as long as we wish. And the book Transcend contains his theories, recipes, and vitamin regimens to help an aging body last as long as possible.

Of course Dr. Krog and I want to live forever, so we're trying some of Kurzweil's theories. Not in a wackadoo-religious-Tom Cruise-give all your money to the cult leader sort of way. In a "Well, it can't hurt to try to live as long and as well as possible, right?" sort of way.

So we're cutting out caffeine and sugar. We're trying to eat less saturated fat and drink more green tea, even if it sometimes makes us want to yark. And we've replaced Unisom with Melatonin, which actually works really well.

Therefore, I've gone five days without coffee.

FIVE. DAYS.

Yes, I know that there's such a thing as decaf. But I don't like coffee unless it's beige with flavored powdered creamer and swimming in sugar. So I'm doing chai tea with stevia in the morning. Consequently, by about noon, I am having feverish daydreams about pasta and trying not to keel over. On the upside, I'm actually going to sleep on my own for the first time in years, which has to be helping my liver and kidneys at the very least.

I know I'm going on and on. I guess my main point is that LIFE WITHOUT COFFEE IS HOLY CALAMITY SCREAMING INSANITY WHY THE HELL AM I DOING THIS TO MYSELF?

But I've heard it gets better. And my skin's a lot clearer.

So it can't be all bad.

In any case, has anybody found their own secret bullet or a perfect regimen?

15 comments:

Mrs. Beer said...

Nooo ccoooooffeeee are you nuts?! Good luck! Haha Keep us posted...!

charissimo said...

A nasty stomach bacteria that's given me many problems (insomnia being one) over the course of the last three months has forced me to go on a "diet" that has admittedly been amazing. I'm eating zero sugar, caffeine, alcohol, or wheat. I've also cut back on the red meat. Less processed stuff in general and more "real food" like dark leafy greens and other veggies. I've lost 23 pounds, and my skin is absolutely amazing - seems to be de-wrinkling! Besides some dark circles and little bags under my eyes from the insane amount of sleep I've lost, you'd never know I'd been sick. I would never have done this if not out of necessity, but I'm glad I've been forced to take this route. It's boring to be reduced to eating avocado rolled up in turkey for lunch, but I'm glad I've had this opportunity. I probably won't stay on it indefinitely, but it's taught me a lot about all the great things real food can do for you.

delilah, the unruly helpmeet said...

23 pounds? DANG, GIRL. You couldn't pay me to eat an avocado rolled up in turkey, but other than that and the face-eating bacteria, that is AWESOME.

But... no wheat? No alcohol? QUOI?

~d.

Fairly Odd Mother said...

No sugar and no coffee? Green tea? I'm crying for you.

You know in the song Only the Good Die Young where it says, "I'd rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints"? Considering I had 2 cups of coffee this morning and just ate a piece of birthday cake, I think you know what side I'm on.

amber d* said...

I've kicked soda out of my life, but still haven't been able to part with my cup of coffee in the morning. I know I have to, but it's just so freaking hard! Hats off for lasting five days!

Tanya said...

I've heard really good things about Melatonin but I won't give up Simply Sleep until they put me on the transplant list.

I won't give up Cokes, period. Kidney failure or no. I'm weak. I'm okay with it.

Parco Moon said...

I can't suggest anything other than this, which WILL clear up your skin. I looked like a New York Style Double Pepperoni Pizza (extra spots and covered in grease) until I started using Ansley's soap (Down to Earth, specifically) and people actually compliment me on how nice my skin looks. The first two times I thought they were making fun of me, that's how bad my skin used to be. Check it out: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Songbird-Soaps/257232899270

Gizmola said...

You don't know me but I've been reading your blog for a couple of years and think you rock.

On topic: I started the Atkins thing myself a few months ago in order to lose my fast food addiction weight and I've never felt better. Now, I don't drown things in butter or gobble big juicy fat laden steaks all the time. I eat lean meats, pounds of green veggies, drink lots of water and, most importantly, stay away from ANY processed foods. I haven't gone totally organic, but I do cook everything from scratch and eschew all sugar (Splenda instead), pasta, flour, starch and fruits.

When I want a sweet kick of some sort I whip a few tablespoons of heavy cream and freeze it a bit until it's semi-ice creamy.

I feel I have more energy and while I've so far only lost 15 pounds, I feel LIGHTER. I feel less bloated, less thick, heavy and full of yuckiness.

I've come to the conclusion that there is no one diet that does this for anyone - each person has to find the healthy path for themselves. Sure, I miss things like ice cold skim milk, croissants, and birthday cake from the local, privately owned grocery store that has crack-like whipped cream, sugary good icing.

In any case, I very much enjoy your blog and am looking forward to reading Blud.

delilah, the unruly helpmeet said...

Parco Moon, I checked it out, but there's no soap in her Etsy store. Does she mostly sell it live?

Fairly Odd Mother, my biggest concession is that I will never turn down birthday cake. I draw the line there.

Gizmola, thanks for reading! Atkins never worked for me, but lordy, I wish it did.

Guys, I missed the smell of coffee so much today that I'm having one cup of decaf with unsweetened almond milk and stevia. IT IS UNICORN BLOOD. UNICORN BLOOD, I SAY.

charissimo said...

Can you do just one cup in the morning with a little honey or something? The almond milk isn't so bad (I've had my fair share of THAT over the last few months). One cup is actually supposed to be sort of good for you, right? I think if you gradually lowered the sugar and cream, you could adjust. Or maybe you just need to eat it with something really indulgent so you feel better about drinking it black...

charissimo said...

btw: I tested allergic to wheat (gah!) and alcohol aggravates the ulcer... what am I gonna do for the next few months, especially now that mojitos will be coming back into season??!!

delilah, the unruly helpmeet said...

Well, isn't vodka made of potatoes? Have some of that. I hate mojitos. But there's this new thing that's, like, vodka + limoncello. I had it at a party... before it ran out. Maybe that.

Anonymous said...

Charis is right, one cup of coffee in the morning with non-fat creamer and stevia or almond milk should be perfectly fine. Actually good for you.

-dr. krog

Virginia Valerie said...

Oooh honey, I feel your pain. Every so often I give up a vice and think to myself "Maybe THIS will be the thing that helps me get pregnant...". Then I get pissed when it doesn't happen and I take up the vice again. Gotta tell you, after giving up coffee like 17 times in the last few years, I am so much of a better, happier, productive person ON it rather than off it.

Tips:
1. If you're drinking maxwell house or folgers, that may be the reason your coffee tastes like ass when you don't add a bunch of crap to it.
2. Try adding nonfat evaporated milk to your coffee. It will be weird at first. Embrace the nutty non-sweetness of it. It will grow on you, i swear.

dk said...

Good for you!! Working on limiting my caffeine intake myself. A good source for what you're trying (read the Kurzweil book myself a few years ago) is Mark's Daily Apple. http://www.marksdailyapple.com. Primal living, healthy food options, fitness stuff (my original entry into the Primal world.)

GOOD LUCK!!!