Sunday, October 31, 2010

freddy, spidey, batboy, and skullduggery's excellent adventure


Me first, because I'm a horrible person. And I don't want to take off my makeup. Funnest costume evar.

And next up is the Batboy. Here's his MO:

"Treat. Thank you. 'Ween."


And then he'd try to run into the street.

And then there's Spidergirl.


And Dr. Krog, of course, went as Freddy Krueger with the totally awesome custom Freddy glove I commissioned for him a few years back. And the Goodwill sweater I painted for him.

That's love, folks.


He skipped the Elmer's glue and red Sharpie makeup so he wouldn't scare the kids.

I think he is marvelous, in a totally burly way.


All in all, it was the best Halloween ever. I have pics of all our friends' kids, too, but it feels weird putting them up on my website. I only feel good about exploiting my own progeny. But let's just say that we traveled with two wagons, two fabulous moms, a hip werewolf chick, a black cat, and Supergirl.

If you're on the fence about having kids, let me assure you that the re-magic-ation of Halloween is one of my top 10 reasons to give in to breeding.

Hell, even Thanksgiving is pretty good, these days. But I don't think I'm allowed to dress like a sugar skull for that, so I don't care.

rock you like d's hurricane

ROCK YOU LIKE D's HURRICANE

(A very short play by a someone who vaguely remembers being there)

***

me: Sure, I'll have one of those Hurricanes you brought back from New Orleans. And it's made with Kraken? You don't say! No, no dinner for me, thanks. I'm not into purple tacos. But this drink is delightful.

***

me: Nerdy movie reference!


J: Nerdy movie reference!

me: Let us discuss upcoming comic book-movie crossovers!

J: Yes, let's!

in unison: BARKEEP, ANOTHER SUFFERING BASTARD! BWAHAHA!

everyone else: You people are geeks.

me: WHAT IS IN THIS DRINK? AND WHERE IS MY CHERRY? EVERYONE ELSE HAS A MARASCHINO CHERRY, AND I DO NOT.

D: I will get up from my meal to get you a cherry. Wow, I almost fell over. These drinks are really strong. But I followed the directions!

me: (Spends 15 minutes trying to spear a cherry with a bendy straw. Fails.)

D: Did you know that if you're every in a dark parking lot and some guy is going to attack you, you can always kill him with a straw?

me: Or you could just not go out into a dark parking lot. Or you could slash him with your keys or your fingernails. Or you could be carrying your 38. Or know how to fight.

E: You can't even get the cherry out of a hurricane. What do you know about straw fighting?

me: Can't talk. Finding cherry.

D: Oh noes! We are out of Kraken!

E: Really? How can that be? You only made 5 drinks.

D: I have no idea.

guys: WE WILL GET MORE KRAKEN! AND SCOTCH!

girls: YAY!

E: I am bemused and oddly not as tipsy as everyone else.

***

guys: WE HAVE MORE KRAKEN AND SCOTCH!

everyone: Mmmm.... scotch.

me: It's like a golden fire in my belly. Mmm... golden belly fire.

D: Time to make more hurricanes! Okay, so I put 4 oz. of rum in here...

E: WAIT, WHAT?

D: It says to use 4 oz. of rum.

E: Yes, per 28 OZ. GLASS. These are 12 oz. glasses. This explains a lot.

me: Wait, I had twice as much as everybody else but didn't have dinner, right? So that means...

E: You know you're on the ground, right?

me: Yeah, but I didn't break my glass. And I'm laughing, which means I win. But wait. WHERE'S MY CHERRY. EVERYONE ELSE HAS A CHERRY BUT ME.

***

guys: WE HAZ CIGARS!

girls: That smells nice.

guys: HAZ SOME.

girls: We will, thanks.

D: You need to come suck this guy's butt!

everyone: BWAHAHAHAHA!

me: Am I on the ground again?

J: Look! A shooting star!

me: That's a plane dude.

E: You're drunk, and that's a planet.

me: There's only one letter different. Oh, I didn't say that out loud. But I remember thinking it.

***

me: Where's D?

J: Throwing up or passing out. One of the two.

other J: Can we do anything for her?

J: wah wah wah wah wah

me: I'm not listening any more, because I'm on an inner tangent about how J is wearing a hockey jersey and D is tossin' cookies, and I once went to a hockey game and it was awesome because everything smelled like ice and light blue and then someone spurted blood and I swear to God it bounced on the ice and I was like, HOCKEY IS AWESOME.

E: Right, Delilah?

me: Huh? I was thinking about hockey. Are we still talking about hockey? You know who else wears hockey jerseys? Robert Smith. I like The Cure. Are you my mommy?

***

me: (texting Dr. Krog) PLZ COME GET ME I AM INCOHRNT HALP.

Dr. Krog: (texting me) On my way, and you totally owe me.

me: You know, when I was in high school, my mom always told me that no matter how drunk I was, and no matter where I was or what time it was, if I called her and asked her to pick me up, she would totally do it to keep me from driving drunk or around drunk people or near suspicious paint fumes. I wonder if she still feels that way.

phone: beep boop beep

me: If only I could remember her number.

***

E: Hi, it's 6:30am, and your kid is wondering why you abandoned her.

me: I didn't abandon her. But I might have brought the wrong child home. My memory is spotty.

E: You might want to fetch her soon.

me: I haven't been able to stand up since about 1am. It could be a few minutes.

E: That's cool, because we are TOTALLY AWESOME FRIENDS ALL THE TIME.

me: By the way, have you seen my cherry?

***

fin.

Friday, October 29, 2010

unruly review: a nightmare on elm street


It's another unruly review for www.nerdbastards.com!

Just in time for Halloween, I bring you:


Because A Nightmare on Elm Street seriously messed me up. So did Piranha, but I don't feel like I'm missing out on a lot of lake outings, whereas thanks to Freddy, I have:

The Top 10 Things That Wig Me Out
Because of This Crappy Movie



1. Small children singing.



2. Kindly old groundskeepers and school custodians:


3. Dry cleaning bags:


4. Bath pillows:


5. My boyfriend's room*:



6. And, further, menstruation:


7. I'll let Freddy tell you this one:


8. I'm sorry. Maybe you didn't hear me.


Or maybe that fear actually came from watching Bring It On too many times. Hard to tell, really.


8. Creepy blue light:


Fun Fact: My fear of creepy green light is actually from Tommyknockers.

9. Group pictures:


10. And lastly, through no fault of Freddy Krueger, the women's aisle of Halloween costumes.


Even Freddy can't be held responsible for a nightmare like that.

But there is one shining light in Nightmare, one golden orb of goodness and light, much like when Sir Galahad saw the Holy Grail.


Little baby Johnny Depp.

I know that most of the people reading this review are probably guys. But this is like when you say, "Man, Angelina Jolie is hot," and somebody says, "Dude, you need to see Gia."

He's just so young and cute. And partially clothed. Or maybe my memory's off.

Still, guys. Gia. She's young and mostly nude. Check into it.

So that's my review of A Nightmare on Elm Street.

Wait, you wanted plot?

It's a 1980's horror movie, for pete's sake. Here's the plot: Bad guy comes back to life, terrorizes teens, boobs are shown, effects are hilariously horrible, more bewbs, more blood, creepy children, bad guy is killed, only the good girl lives.

OR DOES HE COME BACK TO LIFE AND KILL HER, TOO? MUAHAHA!

You'll have to watch the 47 sequels plus the mash-up with Friday the 13th to learn the truth.**






*Back when I had a boyfriend.

**The truth is that Wes Craven likes to make money.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

6 impossible things before breakfast

1. Woke up before 7am in a reasonably good mood.

2. Successfully used the Heimlich Maneuver to remove a chunk of Kashi bar from the throat of a robotic dinosaur named Grimlock before ME GRIMLOCK CHOKE TO DEATH.

3. Figured out how to turn 3 entire chapters into one heraldic poem that never rhymes "friend" with "end.

4. Purchased these kickass booties.

5. Put in my contacts on the first try without poking myself in the eye.

6. Managed to remember my dream, which involved visiting an old friend's new baby, which was kept in a room with 17 fireplaces in Florida. We had a great time until the alien stripminers showed up, and then we had to run past burrow owls and peacock trees until we found a convenient locker room in which to hide, because stripmining aliens don't know how to open lockers.

Sadly, I've only done one impossible thing since dinner, and that involved winning a slapfight with the cat.

I've got to work harder at the impossibilities.

Monday, October 25, 2010

galore

Do you have a band or an album that completely stands the test of time?

Some songs just have what it takes. Seasons Don't Fear the Reaper, for one, which sounds just as great now as it did... um... before I was born. Or November Rain by Guns n' Roses. Or Drain You by Nirvana.

Honestly, I could go on and on. But those are the ones that I know are well over ten years old and still sound just as relevant, right, and wonderful as if they were written last week.

The one that really got me today was Galore, a 1987-1997 compilation album by The Cure.

I was and am a huge Cure fan. From the first Cure song I remember hearing-- which was Close to You off the Mixed Up album-- I was totally hooked. I even went to see the Wild Mood Swings concert in 1996, the day after getting my first tattoo and the week before getting my wisdom teeth removed and therefore having my first drug experience.

That was a really awesome week.

There I was in a black silk dress, fishnet hose, and high-heeled witch boots, fumbling my way through my first heavy eye make-up, going to see The Cure for the first time. I'll never forget the way the crowd stampeded as soon as the first drums started up. I went hoarse begging for them to play Lovecats for one of the fifty encores. When we left, my new tattoo had bled out and was permanently fused to my dress. And I can still see Robert Smith, far away on the stage, just a giant hockey jersey and a shock of inky black hair, swaying with the microphone.

And today, I put that album in the CD player of my SUV and cranked up the volume and rocked out.

Well, as much as one can rock out with two kids in the back asking if it's Axl Rose (4yo) or a helicopter (2yo).

13 years later, Galore is still 100% awesome. It makes me feel just as hopeful and longing and full of passion as it did then. Luckily, I've learned a lot more about fashion and eye-makeup since then.

Robert Smith, wherever you are, you rock.

And I don't mean the Robert Smith with whom I worked at the beeswax candle warehouse, although you were a pretty okay guy, too.

*

What's your forever album, friends?

The one that takes you back, keeps you here, and smacks you upside the head with permanent perfection?

And if anyone mentions Hanson or Vanilla Ice, you're going to get smacked.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

in which you will die of teh cute


Their first school picture together.

Makes me all twitterpated.

Courtesy of Crews Photography, from whom we will be ordering oodless of prints and keychains and probably coasters and crap, because that's simply TOO AWESOME to not set your drink on.

And now I have to go give myself CPR, because I am OD'ing on the cuteness.

I could probably also use some more cowbell.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

PWNing 33

First off:

Secondly, I am having an excellent day. Better than excellent. Thanks to everyone who wishes me well on Facebook and Twitter, and especial thanks to everyone who expressed wishes for me to have much cake.

I do.





And it is awesome.


Know what else is awesome?

1. That my kids both wore what I asked them to wear for school picture day without crying.

2. That Dr. Krog took me out for a lovely breakfast of pumpkin pancakes.

3. That the Poketo stuff was on a 50% off sale at Target.

4. That my dear friend, the talented Alice Istanbul, gave me this awesome custom Kraken necklace for my birthday.


Isn't it gorgeous? It's so shiny that I can't get a good picture. It is an OCTOPUS.

And my dear friend Ericka gave me a vegetable steamer so that I'll quit making broccoli in a plastic microwave steamer that's probably giving me tumors.

Thank you both!

5. That Dr. Krog and my folks went in together to REPLACE MY BROKEN NOOK!

Did you see the old one? It looked like this:


So long, Cap'n Ampersand, with your broken screen that looks like a black bustier rising from half of Gertrude Stein's neck.

Hello, Lft. Interrobang. I will buy a cushy purse to carry you in, and you will never, ever die.

And if you do, they bought insurance this time, because I'm an idiot.

6. Also, I did henna on my hands last night. Turned out pretty good.


Okay, so the picture's pretty weird, but that's what you get with the self timer.

The left hand is based on two 3's in the shape of a butterfly, which turns into four open books, and each of those have the initial of one of the books I wrote this year. Then flowers, vines, and stars, with Dum Spiro Spero along the pointer finger.


Left hand isn't quite so cool, because I'm only about 75% ambidextrous.

The other quarter of me isn't a frog at all.

7. My mom is coming to watch the kids later so that Dr. Krog and I can go out and stuff ourselves. I'm thinking hibachi, because I like it when birthdays involve fire and catching fried shrimp in my mouth.

8. Dr. Krog also made wonderful signs and hung them up all over the house. I love my birthday signs.

The verdict: BIRTHDAY AWESOME.

So I'm going to go enjoy it some more. Ciao!

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

my latest award

Is for Oldest Dorky Fangirl at a YA Author Signing.


Also, I wanted to take my first edition hardback of Leviathan to get signed, but inside the jacket, I found SUCKS TO BE ME by Kimberly R. Pauley.


Now that, my friends, is irony.

Luckily, Mr. Westerfeld was kind enough to sign the DUST JACKET of my missing Leviathan, which I used as an impromptu fan whenever the young whippersnappers around me got too excited.

Also, do you see that awesome necklace? I'll post more on that tomorrow. It's a custom piece by my dear friend Alice Istanbul, an early birthday present. It fills me with great joy, to walk around wearing a Kraken/cephalopod.

And now, If you'll excuse me, I need to go turn 33.




p.s. A frog attacked me today. I thought you should know.

numb3rs

Here's what I need.

+4 hours of sleep
-2 small, nagging people
+1 clean kitchen
-1 broken fish tank
+1 birthday cake
+1 birthday dinner
+1 childfree trip to B&N tonight to see Scott Westerfeld
+1 signed copy of his latest book, Behemoth
+2 hours of ice skating
-5 pounds, but without doing any exercise other than occasional ice skating
-4 days a week of other preschool parents sending junk food in for snack
+1 better behaved preschooler
-2 checks for preschool that I meant to write last night at Open House
+1 shower
+1 new bar of handmade soap
+1 clean, fluffy towel
+4 hours of napping afterwards
+1 babysitter who can make all that happen
+2 small, sticky hugs afterwards
+1 trip to Joanne's for some henna
+1 cool birthday present for my dad
-1 Dr. Krog, who has made me a Fallout: Las Vegas widow
+5 more hours of sleep, because I'm in a huge deficit
+1 primal scream

=

I don't know, because I'm very sleepy, and the coffee isn't helping much. t.rex woke me up at 5:30, and our upstairs clock said 6:30, which was A DARNED DIRTY LIE. It was too early for him, of course, and now he's having his 10th tantrum this morning because, and I quote, ME NANA NEE.

I have no idea what that means.

Can I go back to sleep yet?

Monday, October 18, 2010

a web of WIN

Next time you find yourself accidentally falling off the roof of a toy store, Baskin Robbins, or movie theater, a net of glittery thread might suddenly catch you, and you would look up with gratitude in your eyes and see this face, and she would say,



Everybody gets one. I would like some chocolate ice cream now, please.

Or she could tell you her favorite new joke:

Knock, knock.

(Who's there?)

Um. Lemon. No. School bus.

(Lemon no school bus who?)

No, just say school bus.

(School bus.)

NO, say SCHOOL BUS WHO?

(School bus who?)

LEMON AREN'T YOU GLAD YOU DIDN'T SAY SCHOOL! AH HA HA HA HA!

(But I did say school. I said it three times, actually. I mean, you have to say 'school' if you're going to say school bus, right?)

SCHOOL BUS YOU!

(Good one, buddy.)

I will HAVE to tell Daddy that joke. He will laugh SO, SO HARD.

*

And that's why Spider Girl is now my favorite superhero.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

post-nook shenanigans


THIS GUY.

Last week, he broke my Nook.

Yesterday, he broke (yet another) glass by throwing his plate into the sink, frisbee-style. His helpfulness? Not always so helpful.

Think about what it must be like, to be t.rex. How do you follow up that sort of record?


You decide to take your mohawk into your own hands and slather half a tub of Daddy's hair paste into your 1/4 inch hair while mommy is dealing with a tantrum upstairs because, and I quote, "These pants are WRONG."


MUCK, he shouted. MY MUCK. By which he means, of course, his mohawk.

What's funny is that his sister did the same thing-- but several months earlier than he did. And she ate some of it, too, prompting our first call to Poison Control. See evidence here.

Why do I put up with people who ruin all my stuff?

Easy.

Because of this.


Seriously.

They wake me up before 6am and spend all morning smiling and hugging each other and, yes, making loads of mischief.

But it's the love that's important.*



*And also my Nook was important. And HE BROKE IT. OH, MY NOOK. HOW I MISS YOU. WHY DID HE DO IT? WHY DID HE HAVE TO KICK YOU? I DON'T EVEN LIKE CHICKFIL-A ANYMORE, BECAUSE THAT WAS THE SCENE OF THE HEARTBREAK. WOE! WOE! ALAS, CAP'N AMPERSAND!**

** Just kidding. I'll live.***


***Somehow. In fact, I hear you can actually purchase these archaic collections of tree pulp printed with ink and read them. And they don't shatter into half of Gertrude Stein's face when your kid kicks them in the parking lot, either.



Saturday, October 16, 2010

how magic happens

Have you ever wondered how a book gets written?

(If not, please keep reading anyway. Humor me.)

Some people have thousands of index cards or Excel spreadsheets. Others graph out plot points or print out the whole manuscript and tape it to the wall. Some people plan, and others write by the seat of their pants and are called, in the pub biz, Pantsers.

I am a Pantser. And I've been stuck on my next manuscript, a YA paranormal, waiting for inspiration to get me from page 57 to the real meat of the story.

And inspiration finally struck-- at 1am, while I was underslept and on Unisom. I actually thought it was some weird dream until I found my notebook propped open with a pen today.

The notes that I took in the pitch black dark read as follows:

eh2a - dong necronancy
dry tokiw hren
head wound of o2
3 blindgugs
hearthbunny, orange
undergrass - cawed nihilism
cidy meme - clve to hogins
go on druck/nun any slugs
snd abandwed zeo
BLUD UNICORN
need: sind healry*

So that's what my next book will be. I'll let you know when it sells.

*I actually know exactly what it says, because I can read my own crappy handwriting. And it's awesome.

Friday, October 15, 2010

ice ice baby

I flew yesterday.

No, not in an airplane. Not in my favorite way-- on horseback. And not because I fell down the stairs, either.

I flew over ice.

See, I've been using my precious hours of preschool to work. Smart, huh? I spent all summer wailing about never getting time for myself, and then the moment I had 3 hours, I hunkered down behind my computer. Wrote 1 darned good book, but other than that, just WORK.

So yesterday, instead of working, I went to Barnes & Noble, where I ran past the Nook display as quickly as possible before I started crying. Then I went to the YA section-- you know, the one that's all black and red? I'm torn on going to the bookstore right now, because half of me says, "Yay, I know these people, and I am holding their books in my hands!", and the other half of me is so jealous that I actually turn a shade of sickening barf green.

I chose AN ABUNDANCE OF KATHERINES by John Green, which I've wanted to read for a long time. It's about a child prodigy with social issues facing the fact that he's a permanent dumpee who must grow up soon and reach/find his potential. I'm almost done, and it's awesome.

Then I took my new book to Starbucks and sat in the corner with my feet up, eating an iced pumpkin scone and avoiding the gaze of businesspeople who wanted my coveted buttspot on the bench.

Then, and here's the most important part: I WENT ICE SKATING.

It was wonderful. Only 5 people there, so the ice wasn't all mucked up. I went slow, I went fast, I went backwards, I twirled, I spun, and I only fell once, and that was while trying to copy something a tiny little girl did. Mind you, she could leap up and was with her trainer, but it looked like fun.

It was the best exercise I've gotten in forever, it was super fun, my heart rate was up the whole time, and I was utterly filled with joy. Afterwards, I was a nicer, kinder person all day long, and I accomplished lots of chores around the house.

What did I learn?

If you have time to yourself, use it to do something extraordinary.

Maybe ice skating isn't extraordinary to you, but it's something I love but have only done maybe 10 times in my life, all with other people who were having a miserable time. Going alone was definitely out of my comfort zone, but I'm so glad I did.

I have plans to go back.

But I'll read and eat a scone first, because those are now an important part of the ritual.

In conclusion, treat yourself well and do something that scares you.

You can even join me in trapeze class next week, if you dare.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

dear little me,

1. Don't worry. It's all going to be okay. No matter how bad it seems at the time, everything works out for the best. But it will be even better if you buy lots of stock in APPLE.

2. You don't need expensive concoctions full of chemicals to take off eye make-up. You just wet a cotton ball or pad with a few drops of water and a few drops of almond oil or jojoba oil and wipe off. Good for your eyelashes and eye skin, and no nasty crap.

Oh, and try wearing some eye makeup, for pete's sake.

3. Life's a lot easier when you don't wash your hair every day.

4. You must get as much sleep as you can, while you can. If someone offers you a nap? Take it. If you think it's cool to be an insomniac? You're wrong. Make lots and lots of deposits at the sleep bank, and keep the receipts. You're going to need them.

5. Really high heels and really flat heels are just going to make your feet hurt. And, sometimes, look ugly. Not that your feet are going to look ugly, but that's just because you don't like being uncomfortable.

6. Erik Satie's Trois Gymnopedies is a funeral hymn. So probably not appropriate for that paper you wrote in 10th grade about breaking up with your boyfriend.

7. No good can come of eating at Golden Corral or Western Sizzlin. You should also avoid fettucini alfredo.

8. You will want those My Little Ponies and Care Bears and Lady Lovely Lockses for your own children one day, so take them and hide them in a safe place you'll remember. You don't want to be digging through a dusty attic for them one day and come across a rat trap.

9. Not all dangly earrings give you those creepy, stretched out earlobes that your friend's mom had. Just buy lightweight ones.

10. Lucky Charms is not a food group.

11. Bonus, because there was this brief stint in high school when I actually liked to cook:

Buying 4 chicken breasts for $5 is okay. But buying a frozen turkey breast for $4 is a bajillion times better.

First you stuff its turkey butt full of onions and celery salt and sea salt and garlic powder and put it muscle-down and roast it for 1/2 hour per pound. For the last 15 minutes, you turn it over so the breast skin gets nice and crispy. Then you eat that before your family notices. You slice off all the meat and eat it for a few days. Then you take the turkey carcass and snap it into bits and boil it with the drippings until you have broth. Then you stand over the stove and gulp it even though it burns your tongue. Then you have broth for a few days, and it tastes like the carnivorous, golden nectar of the gods.

So, um. Cost effective and delicious. Plus it's so easy that even unruly girls can do it.

Okay, so that last one is a little more "Things I wish someone had told me when I was 22", but still.

That broth is like HEAVEN in a SPOON.

Now go to sleep, young version of me. Yes, I know it's 7:45, but old me got up at 5-frickin-AM with a small person screaming about MILKY.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

two for tuesday




Youth Day, 2009.

And now we have


Youth Day 2010.

A lot happens in a year.

Last year, my hand was on her leg, making sure she didn't keel over. This year, it was on her brother's leg, making sure *he* didn't keel over.

No one keeled over.

And now everything with four legs is t.rex's bony. MY BONY. MINE. MY BONY.

Timer never flies so quickly as when we're having fun around horses.

Friday, October 8, 2010

tipsyfunnyhatfriday


I was at a party having fun, and then my kid exploded.

Not literally.

But I still had to leave. And I didn't even get to finish my drink.

I always swore I wouldn't let kids put a damper on my rock n' roll lifestyle.

Stop laughing.

Whatever.

Take your tipsy hat and shove it. I've got a parade to sleep for.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

indulge me.

I am frustrated. Not surprising. All Dr. Krog and I want to do tonight is go see a movie, but we can't, and we haven't seen a movie in, like, a month, and the kids are dragging out bedtime like dueling banjos.

So this post is all about making me feel better.

First of all? I wore leggings today. AND IT ROCKED.


Oh, and someone broke into my house and made that huge mess.

That wasn't us.

And cleaning it up is most definitely not my responsibility.

Ahem.

And now let me show you two terribly attractive children.

This one's TweetleDum.


And here's ol' TweetleDee, in her Transformers shirt that she bought with her own money. That, and some plastic jewelry and headbands that are probably made from solid lead.


Why am I posting this?

Because sometimes I forget how good I have it.

Beautiful children, a great husband, and finally figuring out how to wear leggings are definitely all things to celebrate. I have moments where I get awfully whiny. But in the long run, all is well.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

9:46 thoughts

When the air is exactly this temperature, I feel 16 again. My teeth clench. I'm filled with random and unwarranted hope. I feel like something great is going to happen. And I want to wear funny hats.

Cold sheets are one of my favorite things in the world. Always have been. And then I like to slip out of the covers and tuck them back. Return a few minutes later, and there's a warm pocket. Mmm. Warm pocket. Much better than Hot Pockets.

I wish I could be a steampunk Medusa for Halloween. I wish I had somewhere to wear my costume besides my neighborhood, where only 1% of my neighbors "get it".

I can't wait to go sit outside tomorrow morning and write. I'm redoing the YA zombiepocalypse piece in present tense. It's hard but fun. That's what she said. No, but really.

The last time I wrote outside in the morning was Tuesday, and my fingers were so cold that I spent a good part of Tuesday night hunting through Etsy for fingerless gloves. Of the ones I saw, about 40% looked like lacy underwear and 40% looked like sweaters worn by old men in Wales.

I learned something new tonight: One should never eat Quorn on an empty stomach.

I'm pretty sure I'm going to try leggings tomorrow. I'm amazed that I'm almost 33 and still haven't gone zen about my body. Shouldn't I be outgrowing these issues? Or at least doing more about them?

One of my favorite things about having kids is that I have a reason to hang around playgrounds again. Climbing trees, swinging, sliding, turning cartwheels, and hanging upside down on monkey bars are just as fun as they used to be.

Riding carousels is fun, too, although the mall doesn't let adults ride anymore. Such a pity.

I wish I liked being a little hungry like I like being a little cold.

The weird part about being a married grown-up is having dreams about being a teenager and holding someone's hand, then waking up and feeling guilty-- because you're married, and you're not supposed to be holding other people's hands.

Last spring, I bought 6 boxes of Candy Cane Lane decaf green tea on Ebay. I'm not even halfway through my stash, and it's going to be available again soon. I need to drink my tea faster.

It's not my fault red velvet sandwich cookies are so good.

Sometimes, I get Tucker Max and Tucker Mouse confused. Or I think of them as one entity, Tucker Max Mouse.

I've been going to my hometown's Youth Day Parade every year since forever. I'm pretty sure I like it more now than I did when I was a kid, even though I don't eat the candy. One of these years, I'm pretty sure the mayor's horse is going to throw him, because he's got a horrible seat. And then I'm going to laugh, but only if he's okay.

I think I'm sleepy now. Thanks for listening. Sweet dreams and cold sheets to you all!

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

goodbye, my cookie. hello, my cobwebs.

I've got to make this quick, because Dr. Krog is breathing down my laundry, waiting for me to get my stuff out of the dryer and go to bed early.

1. I'm starting the new new new NEW Cruelty. Today was soup for lunch and shredding. Goodbye, dear red velvet sandwich cookies from the Target bakery.


Oh, but hello awesome new owl-talon cast necklace from Etsy!

2. We're halfway through decorating for Halloween, our favorite season.


3. I have the best family ever. Except maybe for the Kardashians or Osbournes, who I hear are quite chummy.


We're trying to get the Biscuit to talk about something other than Transformers. Everything from balloons to the cat to imaginary Godzillas are being named Thingity-Prime and Ravage-One and taking on robot form.

We are failing. She still insists that she only knows things because she's Arcee.

4. My kids never, ever, ever hold still.


5. The Biscuit is the Top Chimp tomorrow, which means we have to bring snack for 12 kids. And it's supposed to start with a "D". Do you know how few healthy kids' snacks begin with D?

Thank heavens I'm creative and have a Sharpie marker handy.


More tomorrow.

For now, pro-beauty, anti-chubbers sleep.