Sunday, October 31, 2010

rock you like d's hurricane

ROCK YOU LIKE D's HURRICANE

(A very short play by a someone who vaguely remembers being there)

***

me: Sure, I'll have one of those Hurricanes you brought back from New Orleans. And it's made with Kraken? You don't say! No, no dinner for me, thanks. I'm not into purple tacos. But this drink is delightful.

***

me: Nerdy movie reference!


J: Nerdy movie reference!

me: Let us discuss upcoming comic book-movie crossovers!

J: Yes, let's!

in unison: BARKEEP, ANOTHER SUFFERING BASTARD! BWAHAHA!

everyone else: You people are geeks.

me: WHAT IS IN THIS DRINK? AND WHERE IS MY CHERRY? EVERYONE ELSE HAS A MARASCHINO CHERRY, AND I DO NOT.

D: I will get up from my meal to get you a cherry. Wow, I almost fell over. These drinks are really strong. But I followed the directions!

me: (Spends 15 minutes trying to spear a cherry with a bendy straw. Fails.)

D: Did you know that if you're every in a dark parking lot and some guy is going to attack you, you can always kill him with a straw?

me: Or you could just not go out into a dark parking lot. Or you could slash him with your keys or your fingernails. Or you could be carrying your 38. Or know how to fight.

E: You can't even get the cherry out of a hurricane. What do you know about straw fighting?

me: Can't talk. Finding cherry.

D: Oh noes! We are out of Kraken!

E: Really? How can that be? You only made 5 drinks.

D: I have no idea.

guys: WE WILL GET MORE KRAKEN! AND SCOTCH!

girls: YAY!

E: I am bemused and oddly not as tipsy as everyone else.

***

guys: WE HAVE MORE KRAKEN AND SCOTCH!

everyone: Mmmm.... scotch.

me: It's like a golden fire in my belly. Mmm... golden belly fire.

D: Time to make more hurricanes! Okay, so I put 4 oz. of rum in here...

E: WAIT, WHAT?

D: It says to use 4 oz. of rum.

E: Yes, per 28 OZ. GLASS. These are 12 oz. glasses. This explains a lot.

me: Wait, I had twice as much as everybody else but didn't have dinner, right? So that means...

E: You know you're on the ground, right?

me: Yeah, but I didn't break my glass. And I'm laughing, which means I win. But wait. WHERE'S MY CHERRY. EVERYONE ELSE HAS A CHERRY BUT ME.

***

guys: WE HAZ CIGARS!

girls: That smells nice.

guys: HAZ SOME.

girls: We will, thanks.

D: You need to come suck this guy's butt!

everyone: BWAHAHAHAHA!

me: Am I on the ground again?

J: Look! A shooting star!

me: That's a plane dude.

E: You're drunk, and that's a planet.

me: There's only one letter different. Oh, I didn't say that out loud. But I remember thinking it.

***

me: Where's D?

J: Throwing up or passing out. One of the two.

other J: Can we do anything for her?

J: wah wah wah wah wah

me: I'm not listening any more, because I'm on an inner tangent about how J is wearing a hockey jersey and D is tossin' cookies, and I once went to a hockey game and it was awesome because everything smelled like ice and light blue and then someone spurted blood and I swear to God it bounced on the ice and I was like, HOCKEY IS AWESOME.

E: Right, Delilah?

me: Huh? I was thinking about hockey. Are we still talking about hockey? You know who else wears hockey jerseys? Robert Smith. I like The Cure. Are you my mommy?

***

me: (texting Dr. Krog) PLZ COME GET ME I AM INCOHRNT HALP.

Dr. Krog: (texting me) On my way, and you totally owe me.

me: You know, when I was in high school, my mom always told me that no matter how drunk I was, and no matter where I was or what time it was, if I called her and asked her to pick me up, she would totally do it to keep me from driving drunk or around drunk people or near suspicious paint fumes. I wonder if she still feels that way.

phone: beep boop beep

me: If only I could remember her number.

***

E: Hi, it's 6:30am, and your kid is wondering why you abandoned her.

me: I didn't abandon her. But I might have brought the wrong child home. My memory is spotty.

E: You might want to fetch her soon.

me: I haven't been able to stand up since about 1am. It could be a few minutes.

E: That's cool, because we are TOTALLY AWESOME FRIENDS ALL THE TIME.

me: By the way, have you seen my cherry?

***

fin.

2 comments:

Runs with Granchildren said...

I certainly would have come to pick you up if you could have remembered my phone number!
love
mom

Jewels said...

I'm impressed you remembered that much!