1. Don't worry. It's all going to be okay. No matter how bad it seems at the time, everything works out for the best. But it will be even better if you buy lots of stock in APPLE.
2. You don't need expensive concoctions full of chemicals to take off eye make-up. You just wet a cotton ball or pad with a few drops of water and a few drops of almond oil or jojoba oil and wipe off. Good for your eyelashes and eye skin, and no nasty crap.
Oh, and try wearing some eye makeup, for pete's sake.
3. Life's a lot easier when you don't wash your hair every day.
4. You must get as much sleep as you can, while you can. If someone offers you a nap? Take it. If you think it's cool to be an insomniac? You're wrong. Make lots and lots of deposits at the sleep bank, and keep the receipts. You're going to need them.
5. Really high heels and really flat heels are just going to make your feet hurt. And, sometimes, look ugly. Not that your feet are going to look ugly, but that's just because you don't like being uncomfortable.
6. Erik Satie's Trois Gymnopedies is a funeral hymn. So probably not appropriate for that paper you wrote in 10th grade about breaking up with your boyfriend.
7. No good can come of eating at Golden Corral or Western Sizzlin. You should also avoid fettucini alfredo.
8. You will want those My Little Ponies and Care Bears and Lady Lovely Lockses for your own children one day, so take them and hide them in a safe place you'll remember. You don't want to be digging through a dusty attic for them one day and come across a rat trap.
9. Not all dangly earrings give you those creepy, stretched out earlobes that your friend's mom had. Just buy lightweight ones.
10. Lucky Charms is not a food group.
11. Bonus, because there was this brief stint in high school when I actually liked to cook:
Buying 4 chicken breasts for $5 is okay. But buying a frozen turkey breast for $4 is a bajillion times better.
First you stuff its turkey butt full of onions and celery salt and sea salt and garlic powder and put it muscle-down and roast it for 1/2 hour per pound. For the last 15 minutes, you turn it over so the breast skin gets nice and crispy. Then you eat that before your family notices. You slice off all the meat and eat it for a few days. Then you take the turkey carcass and snap it into bits and boil it with the drippings until you have broth. Then you stand over the stove and gulp it even though it burns your tongue. Then you have broth for a few days, and it tastes like the carnivorous, golden nectar of the gods.
So, um. Cost effective and delicious. Plus it's so easy that even unruly girls can do it.
Okay, so that last one is a little more "Things I wish someone had told me when I was 22", but still.
That broth is like HEAVEN in a SPOON.
Now go to sleep, young version of me. Yes, I know it's 7:45, but old me got up at 5-frickin-AM with a small person screaming about MILKY.