1. Most of the people reading this blog around around 30, which means your mom is approximately 60. I'm only 32, which is a major advantage over an elderly opponent. Also, chances are your mom has early signs of osteoporosis, which means her bones are easier to break.
2. I just completed day 4 of the 30 Day Shred, which means I am majorly ripped. Well, 26 days away from majorly ripped. According to Jillian. And we trust TV personalities who are selling things, right?
3. When I go to the bounce house, I pull out the Wavemaster that is inexplicably by the dance floor and teach children how to throw a proper jab. Tell your kids to keep their thumbs OUTSIDE the fist, okay, ladies?
4. One time, a cagefighter I know complimented my kicks while we were sparring. I have never forgotten. I will probably have that chiseled into my tombstone.
5. I'm tricky, too. I'd be like, "Hey, is that a great blue heron?", and when your mom looked over there, I'd punch her in the face.
6. I have a purple belt in muay thai.*
* That I earned in 2005.**
** In a discipline that doesn't technically have belts.***
*** Which doesn't mean anything, really. But I'm still proud.****
**** Shut up, or I'll smack you with a spatula. I don't need a belt to do that.
7. Now that I'm done nursing, I have these crazy things called hormones again, and they go up and down, and for about two days a month, I'd tussle with anybody if they gave me lip. Even your mom. Even, like, a penguin. WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT, TUXEDO BOY? WHY DON'T YOU GO BACK TO ANTARCTICA AND EAT SOME FISH??
8. I have sh*tkicking boots, remember? It's too hot to wear them right now, but I could put them on long enough to kick some sh*t, if I wanted to.
9. WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT, GRANDMA? DO YOU WANT TO START SOMETHING?
10. Here's my iPod workout playlist, titled KICKASSERY:
* Get Out Of My Head by Cypress Hill
* Can't Get The Best of Me by Cypress Hill
* Valley of Chrome by Cypress Hill*
* Throw It On Me by Timbaland
* Switch by Will Smith**
* Super Massive Black Hole by Muse***
* Stronger by Kanye West
* Short Skirt/Long Jacket by Cake
* She Wants to Move by NERD
* Release by Timbaland with Mr. Omeletville himself, Justin Timberlake
* Punk Rock Girl by Dead Milkmen
* Rollercoaster of Love by RHCP****
* Lift Your Head Up High (And Blow Your Brains Out) by the Bloodhound Gang*****
* Hips Don't Lie by Shakira******
CONCLUSION: I have metaphorically kicked your mom's @ss. So take her some flowers or something, and tell her to watch her back. BEEEFCAAAAKE.
* These 1st 3 by Cypress Hill off Skull and bones are aggressive and brutal, not to be confused with Jump Jump, or whatever that silly stuff is on the radio. Very tough. You cannot wear one of those silly striped Cat in the Hat rasta hats while you listen to them, or someone shows up with a gun.
**I defy you to listen to Switch and not bounce or dance or something. That is some catchy crap right there. Plus, who can blame Will Smith for being so cool? It's not his fault. He's still the first one in the club, and the last one out. The song says so. That's dedication, folks.
***Muse: It's Not Just For Vampire Baseball.
**** Do you have any idea how hard it is to find this song on iTunes? Seriously, it's insane. And it was in the Beavis and Butthead movie. Do you remember that? Those were some good times. I am the great Cornholio, and I need TP for my bunghole. Heh heh.
***** Oh, Bloodhound Gang. I will never see Jagermeister the same way again after that party Freshman year. They're probably still scrubbing that water fountain that I honked in. I mean, "in which I honked". No excuse for bad grammar.
****** She's tough. It's hard work, making your ass move that way. Shut up.