Sunday, August 1, 2010

10 reasons why i can kick your mom's a$$

1. Most of the people reading this blog around around 30, which means your mom is approximately 60. I'm only 32, which is a major advantage over an elderly opponent. Also, chances are your mom has early signs of osteoporosis, which means her bones are easier to break.

2. I just completed day 4 of the 30 Day Shred, which means I am majorly ripped. Well, 26 days away from majorly ripped. According to Jillian. And we trust TV personalities who are selling things, right?

3. When I go to the bounce house, I pull out the Wavemaster that is inexplicably by the dance floor and teach children how to throw a proper jab. Tell your kids to keep their thumbs OUTSIDE the fist, okay, ladies?

4. One time, a cagefighter I know complimented my kicks while we were sparring. I have never forgotten. I will probably have that chiseled into my tombstone.

5. I'm tricky, too. I'd be like, "Hey, is that a great blue heron?", and when your mom looked over there, I'd punch her in the face.

6. I have a purple belt in muay thai.*
* That I earned in 2005.**
** In a discipline that doesn't technically have belts.***
*** Which doesn't mean anything, really. But I'm still proud.****
**** Shut up, or I'll smack you with a spatula. I don't need a belt to do that.


7. Now that I'm done nursing, I have these crazy things called hormones again, and they go up and down, and for about two days a month, I'd tussle with anybody if they gave me lip. Even your mom. Even, like, a penguin. WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT, TUXEDO BOY? WHY DON'T YOU GO BACK TO ANTARCTICA AND EAT SOME FISH??

8. I have sh*tkicking boots, remember? It's too hot to wear them right now, but I could put them on long enough to kick some sh*t, if I wanted to.

9. WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT, GRANDMA? DO YOU WANT TO START SOMETHING?

10. Here's my iPod workout playlist, titled KICKASSERY:

* Get Out Of My Head by Cypress Hill
* Can't Get The Best of Me by Cypress Hill
* Valley of Chrome by Cypress Hill*
* Throw It On Me by Timbaland
* Switch by Will Smith**
* Super Massive Black Hole by Muse***
* Stronger by Kanye West
* Short Skirt/Long Jacket by Cake
* She Wants to Move by NERD
* Release by Timbaland with Mr. Omeletville himself, Justin Timberlake
* Punk Rock Girl by Dead Milkmen
* Rollercoaster of Love by RHCP****
* Lift Your Head Up High (And Blow Your Brains Out) by the Bloodhound Gang*****
* Hips Don't Lie by Shakira******

CONCLUSION: I have metaphorically kicked your mom's @ss. So take her some flowers or something, and tell her to watch her back. BEEEFCAAAAKE.

* These 1st 3 by Cypress Hill off Skull and bones are aggressive and brutal, not to be confused with Jump Jump, or whatever that silly stuff is on the radio. Very tough. You cannot wear one of those silly striped Cat in the Hat rasta hats while you listen to them, or someone shows up with a gun.

**I defy you to listen to Switch and not bounce or dance or something. That is some catchy crap right there. Plus, who can blame Will Smith for being so cool? It's not his fault. He's still the first one in the club, and the last one out. The song says so. That's dedication, folks.

***Muse: It's Not Just For Vampire Baseball.

**** Do you have any idea how hard it is to find this song on iTunes? Seriously, it's insane. And it was in the Beavis and Butthead movie. Do you remember that? Those were some good times. I am the great Cornholio, and I need TP for my bunghole. Heh heh.

***** Oh, Bloodhound Gang. I will never see Jagermeister the same way again after that party Freshman year. They're probably still scrubbing that water fountain that I honked in. I mean, "in which I honked". No excuse for bad grammar.

****** She's tough. It's hard work, making your ass move that way. Shut up.




8 comments:

Caroline D. said...

such aggression, Delilah. Is it the shredding? Are you re-directing your anger at Jillian toward my mom? She doesn't deserve that.

For the record, I have no doubt that you can kick both my and my mom's asses. Quickly and efficiently and with lots of random pop culture references.

delilah, the unruly helpmeet said...

As I mentioned on FB, I've never beat up a priest, so your mom is the perfect target for my post-Shred aggression. And I'd, like, quote The Office while I did it.

Runs with Granchildren said...

...but you DID throw up on a priest in Italy, did you not?!?

K A B L O O E Y said...

You could definitely kick MY ass.

I'd be more impressed with the kickassery (must use this excellent new word) of your playlist if I was familiar with the songs. They probably play some in my spin class, but those are the times I'm dying inside and waiting for Son of a Preacherman to finally start up.

I just said today that I should blog about the time I accidentally texted "I need TP for my bunghole" to my (then) stepdaughter in college. I was trying to ask her dad to bring some up from downstairs. No, that wasn't mortifying.

delilah, the unruly helpmeet said...

Yes! I threw up on a priest in Florence! Good times. Thanks for the reminder.

Americans: bringing class to Europe, one vomit-soaked scarf at a time.

stephanie constantin said...

you could probably kick my ass easier than my mom's...she's pretty scrappy. I on the other hand am weak and pathetic...I fear Jillian is going to kill me

Puss in Boots said...

My mom's playlist might actually be more badass than yours, but her rheumatoid arthritis is the clincher. You could fold her up like a pretzel.

Or use the smell of dishwashing soap to remind her of her injections. She has this weird Pavlovian reaction to it (because she takes her shot every night in the kitchen) that makes her feel nauseous.

However, you do know if you kicked my mom's ass I'd be obligated to kick yours. I'm not physically capable of hurting you with my puny little noodle fists, but I am the filthiest kind of punk rocker and anything extended toward me in violence is likely to stick on the miasma that coats my ripped up, stained clothes, which I haven't changed in a really long time.

Stalemate: I am bruised and bleeding, but you have to beg for my to rub my hair grease on your fists and sh*tkickers just so you can get your limbs back.

Jewels said...

I dunno... my mom's pretty tough. I once saw her take down a bear using only the lid from the garbage can.