Wednesday, July 7, 2010

30 things are not enough

I was thinking today about all the odd skills I have, as well as the normal ones I lack.

So I googled "things every woman should know", and apparently all of these lists have to do with turning 30. Oops. I'm late.

Let's see how I do, shall we?

1. Hard-boil an egg.
Thanks to Google, I can do this.

2. Diplomatically tell Mom to butt out
I hope so. She always sounds happy to see me, even when I tell her that we're not giving away our baby stuff to people our age who won't man up and move out of mommy's house.

3. Ace a job interview
Totally. But most of that is thanks to Metallica's Master of Puppets.

4. Ask a man out
Yo, Dr. Krog. Wanna go buy me a margarita and watch a movie? I promise to laugh too loud and tell teenagers to shut their pieholes. ps. You're paying.

5. Send a thoughtful thank-you note
100% yes. Never underestimate the power of a handwritten note on stationary featuring a Victorian girl walking a rat.

6. Listen to a friend in need
I'm all ears, although I'll probably have to stop midsentence and chase t.rex. But I'll always follow up on Facebook later to make sure you're okay.

7. Ask for help
HELP!!!!

8. Effectively end an unhealthy relationship (romantic or platonic in nature)
You know what, dairy? We're through.

9. Beautifully wrap a gift
Give me some newspaper, twine, and a dry magnolia pod, and I'll make you weep.

10. Say “no” gracefully
I like to say "no" while swan diving into a pool of champagne.

11. Whip up a great dinner with the five items in her fridge
Sure. None of them are currently in the fridge, but I could conceivably do it.

12. Forget pleasing him, by 30 a woman should be able to tell her man exactly how to please her
::whistles::

13. Sew a button
I don't actually own clothes with buttons, because they require ironing and dry cleaning. But I could sew a button on someone else's clothes. Or on a teddy bear's missing eye.

14. Mix a kick-ass cocktail
Amaretto + sour mix + ice. Done.

15. Take off her bra without removing her shirt
Please. I mastered this skill in 7th grade. The phys ed teacher had roving eyes.

16. Apply lip gloss in the dark
If by 'lip gloss' you mean 'Trader Joe's natural mint lip balm', then yes and yes.

17. Balance her checkbook
GET OFF MY BACK. I STAY IN THE BLACK. I AM VERY FROOOOGAL.

18. Create a budget
Booooooring. Can we please quit talking about money?

19. Find the best deal
It's my forte. That, and building forts.

20. Negotiate a salary and/or pay raise
Hey, Doc Krog! I can haz moar dollarz?

21. Read a map
Read one? Hell to the yeah. Follow one.... meh. That's why Nigel the TomTom is my hero. I do better with left and right than east and west, if you get my drift.

22. Hail a cab
Fine. Fine. You know what? You got me. I have no f'ing clue how to hail a cab. Does it involve hitching up my jeans and hollering HUBBA HUBBA?

23. Say something in French just for the hell of it
L'enfer! Eh, ne t'en fais pas.

24. Apologize when she’s wrong
You know what? I'M WRONG. About something, probably. I'm wrong all the time.

25. Dress for her body type
Is AWESOME a body type?

26. Change a flat (or know whom to call to come change it)
I know that's some mighty awkward grammar there. And being grammatically savvy is much more important than knowing how to change a tire. That's what all these big, strong men are for.

Yes, I meant to end the sentence with 'for'. It's called IRONY.

27. Spot a fake (handbag, diamond, potential friend …)
All will say "made in China".

28. Feign interest
This list is the most fascinating thing I've ever read. I can't wait to read more!

29. Know what to tip on a $25 dinner bill
$5, give or take $5.

30. Hold a baby (Hey, someone you know is bound to have one sooner or later.)
It only took one good thumping to teach me-- head goes up, feet go down. sorry, Biscuit!

***

Also, I propose adding the following:

31. Know how to load and shoot a gun and preferably how to shoot a bow.

32. Know how to ride a horse well.

33. Know what to do in case of attack by dogs, bears, or zombies. (hint: 31. and 32. will help)

34. Know how to convince a small child to eat broccoli.

35. Know how to recognize when you're being an irrational crazy person and take the appropriate steps (catharsis, application of sugary sweets, apologies to significant other for that nonsensical email)

36. That you just need to let someone else take care of your damn eyebrows. You're never going to get them all even and smooth. Just fork over the $6 and don't wince, sissy.

37. Figure out which things are the right things to worry about and let the other stuff just happen naturally, understanding that everything will work out for the best.

38. Learn the perfect way to scare your significant other in such a way that they shriek like a little girl, and then you can laugh about it for years. I suggest using lawn gnomes and rubber snakes.

39. When your husband tells you that you make funny facial expressions while you write and then gives you a fabulous little docudrama about it in his boxers, write about it at that exact same moment so he HAS TO PAY. YOU ARE PAYING FOR IT DR. KROG. HOW DOES IT FEEL?

40. Other stuff.

***

Anybody else got another one to add?

8 comments:

K A B L O O E Y said...

Woah, I was doing better with the "official" list than yours, except for things like buttonry (should be a word, like falconry), of which I am incapable. But I don't know how to shoot, ride or ward off beasts. And man, if I could master #37, I'd be a happy, happy woman. How about: concede that I can't wear high heels and not feel bad about it. Or, accept that most days I'll be wearing no makeup at all except maybe lipstick. Accept that I'm kind of anti-social and odd and be fine with that. And: to find that I have fewer and fewer regrets the older I get.

Jennifer said...

Six dollars?! That's all you have to pay. I need to move to GA.

Delilah S. Dawson said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Delilah S. Dawson said...

Dangit, blogger. I meant to say:

Oh, and how to throw a punch. Or a jab-cross-hook-cross-uppercut-uppercut-plumb-knee, etc. Forgot that part.

Anonymous said...

I'm sick of your anti-Chinese racism. I peed in your coke one time, Delilah, one time! Let it die!

charissimo said...

I had to take a break at 14 to go and mix myself an amaretto sour. YUMMERS!

Caroline D. said...

yeah, where do you get your eyebrows done for $6? Last time I paid $20 plus tip.

ps I love you

Nicole said...

a docudrama in his boxers? did people really miss that tidbit? people are so bad about skimming.