Friday, June 18, 2010

the neverending queeeestions

biscuit: This isn't the Care Bears.

me: No, sweetie. This is a BRAND NEW MOVIE. It's called THE NEVERENDING STORY, and it's like LABYRINTH. And I LOVE it.

biscuit: Uh, can I just watch the Care Bears?

me: No. I am sharing precious moments of my childhood with you. We are going to MAKE MEMORIES. Starting now.

biscuit: What's that?

me: Those are called "opening credits". It's when you see the names of the people who made the movie and watch roiling clouds while someone sings a song that contains the movie's name. It's an 80's thing.

biscuit: What's a 80's?

me: That's when I was a kid. In the 1980's. Over twenty years ago.

biscuit: Was that before I was in your belly?

me: Yes, when I was a child. A little kid. Like you.

biscuit: But what--

me: SSSHHHHH! THE MOVIE IS STARTING.

biscuit: What's that? And that? And that? What's that girl doing? What's a bully? Why is that girl in the trash can? Oh, she is messy! Why does that old man make a funny face? What's that book? Why's that girl running? She should not stand on a chair like that. That's dangerous. She has a key! Why didn't she go to school? I like school.

me: SSSSHHHH! Watch and listen, grasshopper!

biscuit: Why's that girl crying?

me: That's not a girl. That's a boy named ATREYU, and he's crying because his best friend is dying.

biscuit: Where's her best friend? Why is that girl crying?

me: His best friend is his horse, Artax, who was just overcome with sadness and sunk beneath the swamp. The other person is a BOY named BASTIAN, and he is reading the book about Atreyu and crying because Atreyu's horse Artax just died. IT IS VERY DEEP.

biscuit: Uh. Why's that girl crying?

me: THEY ARE BOTH BOYS. They just have longer hair. See how Atreyu's shirt is open so you can see his chest? Girls never show their chest in public.

biscuit: It's not public. She's in that... uh... lake. And why can't I show my grips?

me: They're not 'grips', dude. They're called NIPPLES, and you can't show them in public because SOCIETY SAYS SO, and because your great-grandmother would fall over dead. It's just bad manners to show your grips. I mean nipples.

biscuit: What's she doing now?

me: HE. HE. BOY. ATREYU IS A BOY. A BOY! WITH A PEEPER! A BOY!

biscuit: Uh, what's... Atreyu... doing now?

me: He's trying to talk to Morla, the giant turtle so they can SAVE FANTASIA FROM THE EVIL NOTHING!

biscuit: Why'd he spit on that girl?

me: Morla sneezed, because he's allergic to youth. I begin to feel a bit itchy myself for the same reason.

biscuit: Huh?

me: Nothing.

biscuit: Where?

me: What?

biscuit: Nothing.

me: Nothing what?

biscuit: You said there was a Nothing, and they were saving it?

me: No, honey. THE NOTHING wants to eat Fangtasia, I mean FANTASIA, and sometimes it looks like a mean wolf, but mostly it's shown by roiling clouds that eat everything, and it's going to destroy the entire world and kill the childlike Empress unless Sebastian finally figures out that he's the integral part of the story and gives her a name that sounds like BLAAAAAAH BLAAAAAAAHHHHH! and then she gives him, like a piece of sand that makes wishes happen and then ARTAX IS ALIVE AGAIN AND THEY GALLOP ACROSS THE PLAIN!

biscuit: What? Um, what is... why... is that turtle a boy or a girl?

me: (huge sigh) So do you want to watch Care Bears or what?

*

In conclusion, maybe we'll wait a little bit before trying that again.

6 comments:

Ericka said...

I couldn't convince Annie that Atreyu was a boy either. Eventually I decided it didn't actually make a difference whether he was a boy or girl so I just went with it - wasn't the 80's all about gender confusion anyway?

Tampa BookWorm said...

oh my gosh - thanks for the great laugh! I seriously needed it! Good luck!

stephanie constantin said...

Bella is OBSESSED with the Care Bears movie! She just watched it for the gazillionth time this morning.

t. said...

ahahaha! i tried sharing my favorite childhood movie with my loinsprout, too. in my case it was the last unicorn. and i plied my kid with nachos. this kept annoying questions/comments to a minimum. until the nachos ran out.

From Tracie said...

Obviously there was something seriously wrong with all those 80s movies that we grew up on , because they made perfect sense to me as a child, but children today just do not get them.

I'm shamelessly laughing hysterically at this Never Ending Story Recap. I'm sure I won't be laughing any more after I try to share it with my daughter.

nova said...

HAHAHAHA I can totally relate to this. I've been trying to introduce my childhood movies to my boyfriend's kids. They're older than your biscuit but still...

There's this ongoing feud between us now over Mac&Me. Seriously WHY WON'T ANYONE WATCH IT WITH ME? It's awesome and the main character is in a wheelchair. Equal opportunity 80s movie about a cute alien family? Come on!