Monday, May 17, 2010

the opposite of king midas

If you value your belongings, particularly your appliances, clothing, and feet, I would suggest you studiously avoid the Unruly house this week. Seriously. Everything I touch turns to sh*t.

1. Laptop cord? Has to be held in with one hand or the screen goes dark.

Cost to replace: At Office Max or my old nemesis Best Buy, $79.99. At Ebay, $8.15. But at Best Buy, I got to waste five minutes listening to two clerks try to pick up the hot emo girl who assured them that their casual interest constituted assault, so that was fun.

2. Camera? Getting very labor intensive.

You now have to hold the battery in with one finger or it dies mid-flash. And if you think a 5-year-old digital camera is old, let me introduce you to my Nokia phone, which is THREE WHOLE YEARS old. I think it's made with dinosaur bones and powered with the soul of Menudo.

Cost to replace: Not gonna happen. This camera was long-term borrowed from my parents. Dr. Krog isn't exactly a shutterbug. I'll probably just develop some sort of deranged pinky callous.

3. Dryer? DEAD.

Clothes? SKUNKED. In a garbage bag, replicating themselves as holey athletic socks, stretched out v-neck t-shirts, and smelly princess underpants.

Um, mom? Mind if we hang out at your house tomorrow long enough to do two loads of laundry? And we may drink half a box of chocolate Silk and unwind all your toilet paper, too. Happy Tuesday!

4. Am I a leper?

While I was writing at J. Christopher's today, the waitresses avoided eye contact and never actually served me, despite the fact that I tip 100% and don't bother anyone once I have a pot of coffee. I suspect they are biased against weirdo writers who use 3 Coffeemates per cup.

Way to be welcoming, guys. It was fun using your electricity, air conditioning, and tranquility for two hours today while you made me feel like a thirsty, undercaffeinated leper.

If Mercury isn't in retrograde, then I AM.

FEAR ME.

And now for tea, which will probably scald me. Huzzah.

1 comment:

jarvenpa said...

that's alright. let's blame it all on the stars. Mercury isn't retro (it's in shadow right now though) but I have been thinking very unneighborly thoughts about my neighbors and threatening people right and left. In my quiet, Victorian mind.
And my cat keeps sleeping on the keyboard.
When I'm typing.