I was going to do a hi-larious post making fun of the current women's swimsuit trends at www.neimanmarcus.com, but I kept getting angry and shouting at the models.
First, go here, and scroll down.
Do you see what I'm talking about? And no, not the fact that most of the suits look like something from an Olivia Newton John vs. Denise Richards cage match.
The problem is that most of the models look like this:
In my mind, that girl is starving. My 3-year-old is looking over my shoulder as I type, and she asked, "Mommy, what's wrong with that lady?"
And one day, she's going to be in the dressing room of SuperTarget, trying on the popular, holographic, antigravity bathing suits of 2018, and she's going to grab a handful of pudge and look in the mirror and think, "I'm not thin enough."
Because "fashion", whatever that is, tells us that thin is beautiful.
Skeletally thin. Not muscular. Not svelte. But so thin I can count her ribs. So thin that her thighs swoop in off the bone. So thin that in this bathing suit, she makes me think of Ghandi's loincloth.
Let me find the curviest, softest, most rounded model on the page.
What is she? A size 4, maybe, after eating at a Mexican buffet and while retaining water?
And, of course, that swimsuit is by Spanx, meaning that it was constructed specifically to smooth out all those pesky trouble spots, like breasts and hips.
I'm not saying thin is bad. I'm not saying fat is good. I'm not saying thin or fat is good or bad. I'm saying that healthy is good and extremes are bad and THAT GIRL LOOKS LIKE A SKELETON AND I WANT TO GIVE HER A SANDWICH WITH EXTRA GUACAMOLE.*
I could rant for days on this topic, but I'm going to sum it all up in one sentence to The Man:
Off to eat an apple and relish the way my bum looks in jeans.
*I'm also saying, for the record, that season 2 of True Blood needs to come out, like, yesterday.**
**Although I'm not happy at how they slimmed Sookie down. She was a size 10 in the books, and in the show, she's teeny little size 2 Anna Paquin. Vampire Bill wants some meat on them thar bones, y'all!