Friday, April 9, 2010

a completely innocent post

Or:
I Can't Help But Giggle
When Conversations with Children Go Bad

subtitle: This Is Horrible, and I Am Probably Going to Hell When Dr. Krog Finds Out.

biscuit: I want almond milk.

me: You can't have almond milk.

biscuit: Why?

me: Because it's expensive, doesn't have the fat and protein you need, and has too much sugar.

biscuit: I just want some almond milk. I want to be like you.

me: Look, what if you put one of your almonds in this glass of cow's milk? Then it will be almond milk.

biscuit: YEAH! I can have almond milk! I will put my nuts in my milk and then drink them! That will be yummy for me!

me: No, drink the milk, but don't drink the nuts.

biscuit: Why? Daddy lets me have nuts in my mouth.

me: (spewsnarflewhah!?!) You can eat nuts, but you have to be careful, because they can make you choke if you don't chew them first.

biscuit: But after I drink my nut milk, then can I eat my nuts? My nice, salty, yummy, milky nuts?

me: (shooting almond milk out my nose and sure Dr. Krog will kill me for this post) Sure, buddy. You can eat your nuts. Just chew 'em up real good before you swallow.


*

Isn't that awful? I'm a horrible person. It just reminds me so much of Alec Baldwin's delicious Schweddy Balls. (It gets really good around 2:45, but it's all good. Good times. His balls are here for your pleasure.)

10 comments:

Jennifer said...

No, you're right. That's some funny stuff.

miss. chief said...

HAHAHAHA!

Tny8 said...

That's unbelievably funny.

Caroline D. said...

would it be wildly inappropriate to say something about how I'm guessing that Dr. Krog has some nice nuts worth having in your mouth? Yeah? Sorry, then.

OF COURSE I mean YOUR MOUTH, Delilah. Sheesh, it's not like THAT.

Caroline D. said...

holy shit I can't believe that I let myself publish that comment. Feel free to delete. Late night just home from a rowdy night at work, that's my excuse.

rob said...

Quite possibly the greatest thing I will read all day.

Mind you, I'll try to find something, anything to top it, but I will fail.

Torn said...

OMG I love when little kids say stuff that we take differently! The other day in my store, a little boy kept interrupting his mom and I from our conversation...

do you know how to hump?
do you know what humping is?
Imgonna hump wanna watch?
Imggons show you how to hump!

now mind you he said this in about 10 seconds as one sentence slurred together

After mom got the mortified look off her face, she calmly said. J, mommy does not know how to hump can you tell me what is is and show me how to do it?

Sure mom... you have to hop like a kangaroo but backwards!

we looked at each other and completely lost it!

Crystal said...

Love it!

Virginia Valerie said...

Awesome conversation. Side inquiry. If you will go to hell when Dr. Krog finds out, does that mean he's god? Or at least St. Peter?

msprimadonna67 said...

Awesome--that's hilarious!