Things That No One Should Ever Say to My Child Unless They Want a Recycled Strawberry Diaper to the Face
1. Your mommy needs to buy you some socks!
Seriously, Cap'n Judgment. He's in his carseat in the back of my car while you whisk my older kid out of the car and into preschool. There is a pile of socks next to him, and he's chewing on a shoe. Let's put the blame where it's due-- children who like to remove footwear, and shoe companies that don't provide staplers.
2. If your mommy doesn't get you out of that carrier, you'll never learn to walk!
Lady, if I put this kid down, he'd be trying to lick the wall socket, then he'd run across the room and stage dive off that ladder. The carrier may be the only reason he lives to see 2.
3. Your peanut butter sandwich will be out in just a minute, honey.
C'mon, guys. You can make a grilled vegetable panini and soup faster than you can slap peanut butter on Wonderbread? Kids' food should come first. Period.
There's more, but it's 8:13, which means I have 2 minutes left. To be continued, because bossy old women never rest. There's always some small child through whom a frazzled mother can be lectured.