Sunday, January 3, 2010

thinking outside the pizza box


You can all officially quit asking me about Domino's Totally New Pizza. IT'S NEW, OKAY? THEY THREW OUT THE OLD RECIPE AND REBUILT THE DOGGONE PIZZA. MADE IT STRONGER. 100% REAL XTREME VAMPIRE A-MOZZARELLA.

I hereby present you with the new Domino's Pizza box. It bothered me.

Here's why.

1. Hand tossed? Like that should impress anyone. Look, that pen was just hand-tossed across my den! And that butt was just hand-squeezed!

2. It's not? So it's not the whole "crust, sauce, cheese, toppings" thing? Oh, it is? So that would make it a slightly altered version of... yeah.

3. Yes. This is the fanciest pizza box I've seen this year. Of course, it is January 3.

4. You keep saying that, but I don't believe you.

5. Well, darn skippy thar, li'l darlin'. This yere pizza musta been made the ol' fashioned way, down on the farm, doggonit.

6. Perfectitude. I hate it when they try to make up clever new words. I suspect this word will be back to haunt me.

7. YEARS'. The worth belongs to the years. Jeesh. Don't they teach punctuation in pizza school?

8. I like cheese and all, but if you've been tasting it constantly for 50 years, that's just too much cheese tasting. Take a day off. Try a donut.

9. A preposition is one of the worst ways to end a sentence that I can think of.

10. Oh, that's so clever. This isn't a radio commercial, guys. You can't start with "everything".

11. Thank heavens. I bought imaginary mozzarella last week, and it didn't grate well at all. Even the 76% real mozzarella is pretty bad.

12. So you're saying it's not 100% mozzarella then? FAKERS.

13. Does this dose come with drug interaction information? Does it mess with the birth control pill? Personally I would have gone with the much catchier "heapin' helpin'".

14. Nothing puts a spring in my step like my least favorite vegetable. Boing boing boing!

15. a. Sentence fragment. Not an actual sentence.
b. See what I did there?
c. I enjoy how "buttery crust" provides all the mental images of butter with no promise of actual butter. I mean, it's butterY, and that's better than butter, right?

16. AGH DEATH BY BAD GRAMMAR AND RHETORICAL QUESTION!

17. ...and there it is. Consider me haunted.

18. I saw your old recipe down by the train tracks, begging for beer money.

19. Everything's got to involve vampires these days, doesn't it? I mean, if it doesn't involve vamps, it's no longer worthwhile. That just sucks.

20. It's called a comma, and it's pretty much free. Try it out.


Is it fifty years worth of what you've been dreaming of? ...in a word: yes it is.

8 comments:

Virginia Valerie said...

Was the pizza any good?

stephanie constantin said...

now I want pizza!! how was it?

I am Dr. Krog said...

It tasted pretty much the same as their old thin crust pizza. Just with a tiny bit more herbs, and less flavorful crust. Pretty good, but I was definitely left with the impression that ingredients had been removed to reduce cost....I would still order it again though.

delilah, the unruly helpmeet said...

Yeah, what Krog said. Cleo requested it for breakfast, so that's a third affirmative.

Stupid box. Good pizza.

cynthiagirl said...

lol

Alice Istanbul said...

That made my bowels cramp.

K a b l o o e y said...

This is exactly the type of advertising that makes me crazy. Your comments were spot-on. (But I forget: where do you live that you're getting "pizza" from Domino's? I've got to hook you up, Krogs.) Thanks for the micro-analysis of your pizza box. It was like Nicholson Baker ate your pie and wrote about it. I mean "mezzanine"-era Nicholson Baker, not that book that Monica Lewinski gave Pres. Clinton-era Baker.
If that was too oblique a rave, how's this? The word verification for this comment is "sharp". Told ya so.

hotpants™ said...

I doubt I would have even read the box. I feel like I'm a little bit dumber for having read it now.