Thursday, January 28, 2010

...and in other parallel universes.

Picture me, Dr. Krog, and my dad sitting on a couch, spaced out on TV while the children rocket around the room. My dad only watches 5 movies, and since neither Gladiator, League of their Own, Lonesome Dove, or Shawshank Redemption was on, it was King Arthur.

dad: Poor Keira Knightley.

me: What do you mean, "poor Keira Knightly"? She's beautiful, thin, talented, rich, and has starred in loads of awesome movies. I have no pity for the girl. (pause) Oh, you mean her bosoms. Because you're a man.

dad: So, what would happen if she tried to breastfeed?*

me: It would work. It doesn't matter how much is under the hood, so long as there are headlights.

Dr. Krog: But the aftermath...

me: Yeah, it would be like Silly Putty.

dad: (involuntary shiver)

Dr. Krog: At least she has lots of money.

me: And I recently heard she won an award.

dad: Really?

me: Yeah, she was elected president of the Itty Bitty Titty Committee.**

Dr. Krog and dad: (snickering like 11 year old boys)

me: (realize I have just said the word "titty" in front of my father and leave the room with a very red face)

It's funny, growing up.

*My father has said the word "breast" one other time in recorded history, at a Chinese Restaurant in 1993. It was the third most embarrassing moment of my life.

**No offense to my A-cup homies. I have a friend with A's so perky that women ask her to lift her shirt at playgroups. And then she does, and everyone is like, ooooooh, aaaaaaah. Like it's freakin' fireworks.


urfaqhesse said...

i have recently taken to cursing in front of my parents - just asshole and shit but that's big. I have no idea why this has happened or why it's ok, but I find it ridonkulously adorable when my dad says bullshit in his accent. Makes me wanna hug him.

Jennifer said...

I wish I had tiny, perky boobies. I could totally rock that. Big, saggy ones are just not the same.

Anonymous said...

As a man, I prefer smaller breasts. I always have.

Invite me to playgroups! I'll ooh and ahh!