Thursday, January 28, 2010

...and in other parallel universes.

Picture me, Dr. Krog, and my dad sitting on a couch, spaced out on TV while the children rocket around the room. My dad only watches 5 movies, and since neither Gladiator, League of their Own, Lonesome Dove, or Shawshank Redemption was on, it was King Arthur.

dad: Poor Keira Knightley.

me: What do you mean, "poor Keira Knightly"? She's beautiful, thin, talented, rich, and has starred in loads of awesome movies. I have no pity for the girl. (pause) Oh, you mean her bosoms. Because you're a man.

dad: So, what would happen if she tried to breastfeed?*

me: It would work. It doesn't matter how much is under the hood, so long as there are headlights.

Dr. Krog: But the aftermath...

me: Yeah, it would be like Silly Putty.

dad: (involuntary shiver)

Dr. Krog: At least she has lots of money.

me: And I recently heard she won an award.

dad: Really?

me: Yeah, she was elected president of the Itty Bitty Titty Committee.**

Dr. Krog and dad: (snickering like 11 year old boys)

me: (realize I have just said the word "titty" in front of my father and leave the room with a very red face)


It's funny, growing up.



*My father has said the word "breast" one other time in recorded history, at a Chinese Restaurant in 1993. It was the third most embarrassing moment of my life.


**No offense to my A-cup homies. I have a friend with A's so perky that women ask her to lift her shirt at playgroups. And then she does, and everyone is like, ooooooh, aaaaaaah. Like it's freakin' fireworks.

3 comments:

urfaqhesse said...

i have recently taken to cursing in front of my parents - just asshole and shit but that's big. I have no idea why this has happened or why it's ok, but I find it ridonkulously adorable when my dad says bullshit in his accent. Makes me wanna hug him.

Jennifer said...

I wish I had tiny, perky boobies. I could totally rock that. Big, saggy ones are just not the same.

Anonymous said...

As a man, I prefer smaller breasts. I always have.

Invite me to playgroups! I'll ooh and ahh!