Monday, December 7, 2009

save me, candy cane lane

I will now write a host of horrible similes for how I feel:

* like a bird shat in my head.

* like electric-green-radioactive-acid slugs are playing Chinese Fire Drill with my nose.

* like someone make pea soup, then pureed it, then let it sit in my fridge for three weeks, then warmed it up on the stove and scorched it a little, then poured it into my sinus cavities with one of those long, metal cones that monks use when making sand mandalas.

* like the people who make Nyquil have got a lot of nerve.

* like somebody took the pink underground river from Ghostbusters II and injected it behind my eyes, but when it hears music, it doesn't dance. It does that twitchy, jumpy thing that mongooses do when they see cobras. It's like Rikki Tikki Tavi is trying to fight my brain.

* like if I could just sneeze 5 more times this hour, I could break the sound barrier.

* like karma is paying me back for that 12-pack of diet Cherry Seven-Up that I accidentally stole from Target over the summer because it was under my cart and I totally forgot about it and then I was unloading the groceries into my car and it started raining and I said to myself, "Karma is going to pay me back for this, I know, MMMM this non-drink tastes DELICIOUS".

* like if I don't quit blogging and go attend to Dr. Krog, he is going to punish me.

Goodnight, dear friends. May the most poetic Asian spammers leave droplets of gossamer perve in your dreams.

5 comments:

K a b l o o e y said...

"droplets of gossamer perve"?
Sounds like the Letters to Playboy column had a love-child with The New York Review of Books. Ewwww, but then, hmmm. Then ewww.

As for your mucus issue: have you ever tried Allergy Buster? It's an homeopathic capsaicin pepper nasal spray. (Say that 3x fast.) It will blow the top of your head off, in an excellent way.

Jess @ Frugal with a Flourish said...

Oy! Um ... so I was getting it with the bird shit and nyquil comment ... but when you went to GB2 river with mongoose like twitching knew exactly what you meant. here is hoping you feel better. Go get the sudafed that you have to show id for at Target. Trust me ... it works miracles.

Alicia Istanbul said...

Ohhhh :( Wish I could whip you up a magic potion to cure you. Feel better soon.

Miss Dot said...

I like the third description the best.

Feel better.

Dr. Krog, too.

Today's Random said...

I'll never look at pea soup the same way.

Hope everyone gets well soon!