Today, I tried to wear a new costume: skinny jeans tucked into boots.
It was a major FAIL. In Dr. Krog's words, "That looks ridiculous". And don't jump all over him, valiant friends. His blunt honesty is one of the reasons I married him. It did look a little ridiculous.
I don't want to be one of those women who tap into the fashions of their heyday and carry it bravely into the sunset. I don't want to be frozen in the fashion hourglass, going back again and again to clothes that date and age me. I don't want to be today's equivalent of claw bangs and scrunchies. But, dammit, I just so happen to look ridiculous in the current fashions.
It's always going to be tummy camouflaging shirts and bootcut jeans for me. Which is handy, because I often wear boots. Still, it can be disappointing to try a youthful trend and feel oddly shaped and old.
As I returned the dreaded skinny jeans at Target at 4pm on a Saturday in December, I realized that I had made two fatal mistakes: trying to do anything at Target on a Saturday in December, and attempting to wear a trend that was obviously not meant for a curvy broad like me.
It's just dandy if Kristen Stewart and the emo boys want to wear skin-tight pants and plaid tunics, but it's never going to work on me. And I'm coming to terms with that.
But you know what? Today's fashions are not the costume I long to wear, anyway.
If I had loads of money and time, I would build an elaborate and beautiful wardrobe of steampunk fashion. Corsets, bustled skirts, flared jackets, top hats, boots, leather and brass. I would cultivate a costume marrying Victorian silhouettes with Western and Asian touches. I would carry a cane and wear lots of black eye makeup. I would be eccentric in the most delightful fashion.
So here's my guarantee: If I ever become rich and/or famous, I'm going steampunk. I will also have half-draft horses with big, feathery feet and possibly a hot air balloon.
And that's a promise.