Saturday, December 12, 2009

mask-o-raid

Today, I tried to wear a new costume: skinny jeans tucked into boots.

It was a major FAIL. In Dr. Krog's words, "That looks ridiculous". And don't jump all over him, valiant friends. His blunt honesty is one of the reasons I married him. It did look a little ridiculous.

I don't want to be one of those women who tap into the fashions of their heyday and carry it bravely into the sunset. I don't want to be frozen in the fashion hourglass, going back again and again to clothes that date and age me. I don't want to be today's equivalent of claw bangs and scrunchies. But, dammit, I just so happen to look ridiculous in the current fashions.

It's always going to be tummy camouflaging shirts and bootcut jeans for me. Which is handy, because I often wear boots. Still, it can be disappointing to try a youthful trend and feel oddly shaped and old.

As I returned the dreaded skinny jeans at Target at 4pm on a Saturday in December, I realized that I had made two fatal mistakes: trying to do anything at Target on a Saturday in December, and attempting to wear a trend that was obviously not meant for a curvy broad like me.

It's just dandy if Kristen Stewart and the emo boys want to wear skin-tight pants and plaid tunics, but it's never going to work on me. And I'm coming to terms with that.

But you know what? Today's fashions are not the costume I long to wear, anyway.

If I had loads of money and time, I would build an elaborate and beautiful wardrobe of steampunk fashion. Corsets, bustled skirts, flared jackets, top hats, boots, leather and brass. I would cultivate a costume marrying Victorian silhouettes with Western and Asian touches. I would carry a cane and wear lots of black eye makeup. I would be eccentric in the most delightful fashion.

So here's my guarantee: If I ever become rich and/or famous, I'm going steampunk. I will also have half-draft horses with big, feathery feet and possibly a hot air balloon.

And that's a promise.

12 comments:

K a b l o o e y said...

Does the design of the movie "Brazil" fit this genre? Kinda? Just laugh at me if I'm off base, here. And I'm kinda batting .250 with my Target -- "Hey, that'll look cool on me even if I have to buy an XL..." purchases, so I feel you.

miss. chief said...

I think it's just that the boots are the wrong kind of cowboy boots. They're cool but they're *actual* cowboy boots. You need hipster tight boot things or converse high tops. I think the jeans look alright, from that picture you posted yesterday.
Don't give up!

Or hey, just go steampunk. It's coming back, I swear.

Erin said...

I hate skinny jeans, too. I can't wear them either---I'm a total bootcut girl as well. LONG LIVE THE BOOTCUT!

Caroline D. said...

Can't wear skinny jeans either, but I agree that a different pair of boots might change the game.

and I CAN'T WAIT for you to be rich and famous. It's going to happen, you talented steampunk draft-horse riding hot mama.

Lisa in Oz said...

I can't pull off the skinny jeans/boots trend either. It just completely doesn't work with my body shape. Can I share your balloon when you come to power and bring on the steampunk fashion?

Virginia Valerie said...

1. Target/Mossimo pants don't fit people with hips, asses, and thighs.

2. Your skinny jeans just needed to be skinnier (seriously!) on the shin/ankle and it totally would have worked. Just my 2 cents. :-)

3. You have beautiful curves that would totally work with today's fashions, you just have to find the brands that work for you. Took me forever!

Alissa said...

I've always marched to my own fashion beat. I remember reading some quote by Calvin Klein in a fashion magazine that said that women don't care about fashion, they just like what looks good. I think that's a good rule to follow.

By the way, it's not a new steampunk outfit, but I do have a blog award waiting for you today. Thanks for all your entertaining posts.

urfaqhesse said...

I have never had the body type to fit into "today's fashions" at any age - except for the period of time when I forgot that you need food to live. And I wasn't happy then either :) These days, I'm just happy when I go shopping if I haven't gone up a size in the past year - that's my win for the moment. Also, I agree re: the jeans needing to be "skinner" - they are actually supposed to stick to you - and i think you look rather lovely. For me, though, even if I look good in something fashionable, i'm generally so uncomfortable that I have the attractiveness and sex appeal of a marmoset. Gimme my boot cuts and a cleavage enhancing shirt - hey, go with your strenghts - and I'm good to go - most of the time.

And plus you have the amazing good fortune of being gorgeous. just saying,

Motherhood Uncensored said...

Yes, I agree with Virginia. Your jeans weren't actually skinny AKA skin tight.

Those boots are fine with the right jeans.

Add a little plain flannel (long like over the butt) and a belt.

HOT.

Also, I was vehemently against skinny jeans until I met the 30 Day Shred. Now they are all I wear.

charissimo said...

To solve my fashion problems, I simply moved to 40 acres out in the middle of the great midwest nowhere, where people (I shit you not) sport Green Bay Packers jackets, elastic-waisted denim shorts and pink crocs, thereby making me princess yoga pants fashionista without even trying. I highly recommend it.

Alicia Istanbul said...

I'm giving you a sad face but laughing at the same time :( lol
Have you tried GAP jeans? Or by saying that did I just inadvertently rub salt in the wound?

Chantile said...

I LOVE steampunk! I think it should be more prevalent. And I think that you are awesome and brave to forgo skinny jeans.