Monday, November 16, 2009

fear and loathing

First of all, I owe you a picture of my cute new shoes, but it's a bad picture, because Dr. Krog is not the best photographer in the world. It's one of the only things he's *not* good at, mainly because he doesn't care about photography. But that's not what we're here to talk about.


What hump?
you ask.

Well.

Let me tell you a little secret.

I think I might have a hump.

And not the good kind, like Fergie has.

The kind that's not at all Fergilicious.

Like, one day, I'm going to be one of those little old ladies with a hunchback.

I hate and loathe the hump.

Sometimes I think about having surgery. Having myself dehumped. I wonder if a surgeon could suck it out with a liposuction thingy, or if it's made of something tougher, like gristle.

I think everyone has some little secret point of self-consciousness, whether it's physical or mental. Some tiny chink in the armor of our confidence. And people can make fun of my hairy arms or my sausage fingers or my pathetic baby toenails all they want, so long as no one ever publicly acknowledges the remotest possibility of my having something that could possibly be called a hump, because I would go home and cry and write bad poetry about it.

Anyway, now you know why I will never have short hair.

And why I feel compassion for camels.

21 comments:

Lee the Hot Flash Queen said...

I want to thank you for the laugh. A hump??

Tater Tot Mom said...

Those shoes are so cute! Love them!

My thing is I have some crazy curled up toes...yeah there I said it!

urfaqhesse said...

I have two bellybuttons.

Runs with Granchildren said...

Dear D (for Dromedary);
Your Dad & his Mom are responsible for the dreaded "h-u-m-p". That's the main way i can tell if your Dad is gaining or losing weight. It is very "camelish" in that it seems to directly directly depict if you're "packin' pounds" or not. And, the good news is, you ARE a Dromedary and only have ONE hump!!
luv
mom

Virginia Valerie said...

Cute shoes! I never noticed a hump. We all have little things that we notice about ourselves, like the fact that the hair on my head is thin, lifeless and dry, but the hair *everywhere* else on my body is like steel wool.

Jamie said...

You're feet are so cute! I bet the hump is nothing....

Tracie said...

A hump!?!? Interesting.....I have a strange bone that sticks out of the side of my foot that makes wearing cute shoes like that impossible.

delilah, the unruly helpmeet said...

Well, guys. My mom has confirmed it. I have a hump, like my father and grandmother before me.

I will now change my blogger account to "dromedarypaints" and be done with it.

::sniff::

Virginia Valerie said...

dromedarypaints... i bet that's not taken yet! :-)

Southern Belle Mama said...

Tres cute shoes! Yeah, we all have something that is our achilles heel...mine is my nose. It has it's own "hump" :) I thought for sure I'd need corrective surgery for a "deviated septum," but noooo the dr. said it's just fine. Oh well, I tried.

Caroline D. said...

I have a camel TATTOOED on my hump, so there.

leigh said...

I have chin hairs. It's just not right.

Leigh

Runs with Granchildren said...

Hey Kid...not to worry! You are one of the most beautiful, talented, intelligent, gifted people I have ever known! The "hump" is such a very minor and small thing that you need never worry about. One would have to know and be looking very hard to even notice it. So, not to worry...don't even give it another thought!
luv
mom

Alicia Istanbul said...

What hump? I was waiting to see if you were talking about a bump on your thumb or something. You do not have a hump.

And those shoes are tres cute.

RebeccaMom said...

I recently discovered that I had a hump too... but after losing 30 pounds, it is gone! (now to work on the lump...)

Helen McGinn said...

My thing is five foot two and likes pies.

Helen McGinn said...

Oh...and lovely shoes!

marit said...

awesome post. i have rib bones that stick out freakishly. i call it my barrel, kinda like your hump. i can usually hide it tho, so it's not obvious. i never stand up straight when i'm wearing fitting clothing 'cause i'm hoping it will stay a secret between my sweetie, my massage therapist and me! i hate it so much. nice to share.

Erin said...

I adore your shoes!

I have big ugly feet, so cute shoes are rarely an option for me.

I had hairy arms, but I had lots of electrolysis. Hooray!

We all have our crosses to bear, I suppose. But I do envy you your trim ankles and darling shoes!

delilah, the unruly helpmeet said...

Glad you guys like the shoes! They were BOGO at Rack Room, and they are so comfy and go with everything.

I need to post about shoe shopping philosophy, actually.

Anyway, I'm glad I'm not the only one with a weird body part. I read an article in Women's Health that 50% of women "dislike" their vaginas, so I guess a hump isn't that bad, huh?

charissimo said...

Okay, WHAT? Seriously, how do you dislike your vagina? Most women never even see theirs up close. This is going to be very bad for vagina self esteem.

Also, you do NOT have a hump.