Monday, September 28, 2009

my new voodoo doll


Normally, I shy away from anything remotely related to the lady bits on this blog, mainly because my mother reads it nightly. But since she was sitting in my car with my sleeping baby, reading my latest Guilty Pleasure Murder Book while I was having my new Copper Bajingo Voodoo Buddy inserted, I guess that cat's out of the bag.

I will admit that birth control has been my albatross for quite some time.
To put it simply, there is no ideal solution.

The Pill: On it for 11 years. Quit it. Realized I wasn't actually a crazy person with a stinky husband*. It was all in the hormones. The hateful, crazy-making hormones. And I don't want that anymore.

Barrier methods: GROSS.

Permanent options: Too permanent. Dr. Krog and I reserve the right to hit 42 and decide that we're bored and pop off another beautiful child with a ridiculous name.

Natural Family Planning: I can't even remember to eat lunch, much less promise to lay quietly in bed upon waking, stick a thermometer up my bajingo, and religiously record the temperature. And I *like* lunch.

Yes, friends, I'm just too freakin' fertile. So I decided to get the ParaGard IUD, which is a small, T-shaped device made of plastic and copper that hangs out in the uterus and defends desperate mothers from further rugrats. Out of 100 women on ParaGard, only .6 will get pregnant in a given year. And I'm more than .6 of a woman, so I must be safe.

Plus, it appeals to my mysterious side, because they don't actually know how it works.

Seriously. I've read the literature. I'm staring at the package insert right now.
It says: La nociones sobre como funciona el ParaGard incluyen el blah el blah el blah.

Oops. Wrong side of the leaflet.
I meant to say: Ideas about how ParaGard works include blah blah blah.

So it's like Voodoo Atlantis, but in my uterus.

Oh, and I'm a big sissy about anything involving the hoo-ha, so I tell you now that it hurt like a mothertrucker going in. Here's a play-by-play:

OB: Okay, here we go.
Me: URGGGGGH.
OB: Okay, the speculum is in.
Me: YOU MEAN THERE'S MORE?
OB: Yes, that was just the speculum, like for a regular exam.
Me: CRAP.
OB: Okay, here we go.
Me: EEEEEEEEEEEE
OB: That was just a little anesthetic for your cervix.
Me: So that didn't actually do anything? Like, you're not IN THERE yet?
OB: Nope. Now relax.
Me: OH MOTHER LOVER SUGAR HONEY SMACK!
OB: Okay, I measured the depth of your uterus....
Me: THAT WASN'T IT?
OB: No. Just relax. Put your legs down. Relax. Now I'm going to insert it.
Me: OH SWEET BABY JESUS ARGH CRAPSTICKS WHAT THE FREAK?
OB: Okay, it's in now.
Me: Oh, thank god.
OB: Now I just have to trim the strings.
Me: Wait, you have to AAAARGH THIS IS HELL.
OB: Okay, now we're done. You might feel some cramping.
Me: OH GOD, OH GOD, IT'S LIKE HAVING A BABY THAT NEVER COMES OUT.
OB: Yeah. Some women don't even feel it.
Me: They are on drugs. Or they are liars. Or I'm just a gigantic sissy.

If everything turns out well, thanks to my copper voodoo doll, I won't have to think about birth control until 2019. And I like that.

I like that a lot.

*Dr. Krog smells awesome. But when I'm on the Pill, the hormones make his pheromones smell yucky to me, as per this interesting article. Which means that we're a perfect match. Our genes must totally rock.

21 comments:

Frogs Mom said...

So you don't actually stick the thermometer in your vagina. Where did you get THAT idea!?!?!?

delilah, the unruly helpmeet said...

Temperatures can be taken orally or vaginally but must be taken in the same place throughout the cycle since the temperatures of the different parts may vary. Most women prefer to take their temperatures orally and this is usually fine, though some women find that they get a clearer reading by temping vaginally.

- www.fertilityfriend.com

I am not making that up, because I did not want to buy a new thermometer.

Ericka said...

I always thought IUDs were based on the same principle as used with camels crossing the desert.

laterg8r said...

that just killed me LOL - thanks for the great laugh (yes, i am sick and laugh at others misfortune LOL)

Virginia Valerie said...

Oh, honey, I feel for you! Birth control methods suck!

Virginia Valerie said...

PS laughed my ass off at this post. Especially loved the Spanish part. :-)

Cynthia said...

I had one of those voodoos and it worked perfectly for 18 years. Then OB and I decided that was long enough. Now my partner has to figure it out.

Hänni said...

MOTHER LOVER SUGAR HONEY SMACK! This scared the beejeesus out of me.

Leslie said...

Long past worrying about all that, thank you chemo. However, ya made me laugh and you gave me ammunition for use against the DD, she needs something else besides the pill, IMO.

Caroline D. said...

Unless you got this, it was an easy ride:

"can you just slide a little further down the table? A little further. Okay, just a few more inches..."

That's what gives me nightmares.

veganf said...

Um, yeah, seriously, no T shaped ANYTHINGS are goin' inside my parts!!!
I like just sticking the thermometer in MY MOUTH for 15 seconds until the BabyComp beeps and gives me a green, yellow, or red light for the day, no brain power required.

Chocolate Lover said...

Hilarious post! Why do we get ALL the fun! Need to put men through a little bit more don't you think?!

Christine said...

Everything about this post was freakin' hilarious!!!
You are too much!

Chanda @ The Eco-Cheap Mom said...

I got the Copper T about 6 months ago. Holy cow, the cramping was bad! And for 4 cycles it was awful...cramps like I never experienced, and flow...wow, that is really TMI.

Anyway, my body has finally adjusted and I can't imagine any other form of BC.

Great post and congrats on your SITS day! I'm your newest follower!

Kimmy C said...

So I went with Mirena... the pain wasn't bad and there was only a little cramping BUT I hear several little words during the procedure that sent me sprialing out of control... "oops, there is a little more bleeding tham I like so I'm just gonna apply a little pressure." See I hemmorraged (sp?) after my son's birth, so hearing these words FREAKED me out. Next thing I knew I was waking up on the table... I passed out. But I wasn't done yet. They sat me up, all was good... until the vomit came up and I couldn't stop it. All over the floor, down my shirt. Yuck. After all was said and done, I left with my little T safetly in place, two lovely gowns in place of a shirt and a migraine that lasted the rest of the day. UGH. I will NOT EVER DO IT AGAIN. In 5 years if we don't want more kids, he's getting snipped. I'm done with birth control! I feel your pain.

HAPPY SITS DAY!

Kim @ Cheap Chic Home said...

I had to click on this post--> I, too, seem to be fertile and not very disciplined. I couldn't do a "copper voodoo" (love your sense of humor). End of story? Five children--bet well worth it!

Happy SITS day!

Michelle said...

I use natural fam...but i dont stick anything (ok, well obviously SOMETHING, but not a thermometer) up there. I use my mouth. Um, I mean for checking my temperature.

Mark and Kathryn said...

ha ha ha you don't have to take your temperature down there if you use that method.... you put it in your mouth. OMG... ha ha ha

~Kathryn

Zeemaid said...

seriously your bajingo has just replaced my word whoha *L*

and you've just convinced me to not go the IUD route. ;)

Katie said...

I hate/love this post. Even though I don't have any children, I begged my doctor (who is really just a nurse practitioner) for an IUD. She said no. But now that I hear that it hurts, I'm scared. Good thing she said no, I guess. Now I'm also scared about this "the pill (The method the NP made me use instead...boo) affects your smelly senses where pheromones are involved. Oh gosh...I'm not even going to read that article.

Oh and Happy SITS Day!

piecemeal people said...

I'm right there with you on the "no good options when it comes to birth control" front. Hormonal birth control always gives me chest pains and heart palpitations. Frankly, I'd rather have more kids than drop dead of a heart attack before 30.