Wednesday, September 30, 2009
the doctor is > IN
The Infection Connection: A Family's Immune System in One Act
Dr. Krog: I'm dying!
Doc-in-the-box: I can't get an accurate swipe of your nasal cavity because you keep threatening to bite me. Even though you have the textbook symptoms of Swine Flu, the Rapid Response Usually Wrong Test says it's *not* Swine Flu. Here is drugz.
Dr. Krog: Meds don't help. Still dying!
t.rex: Wow, it's hot in here. Is anybody else hot in here?
me: ARGH! MY BEBBEH! MY BEBBEH HAZ FEVERZ!!!!!
sleep: I'm outta here.
the Biscuit: SPAZZ SPAZZ! (exuding health and vitality and energy and GAH.)
Dr. Krog: Still dying! I can haz cheezburger?
t.rex: I'm not hot anymore. I'm cold. And I look like someone put a doily on my body and then spraypainted me red and then removed the doily.
me: ARGH! MY BEBBEH! MY BEBBEH HAZ RASHES!
Doc-in-the-box: It's Roseola. I can't do anything about it, but here's some cough syrup, which I shouldn't prescribe according to the FDA, the AAP, and the liberal media. But I will anyway.
t.rex: You know what? I don't want to sleep, I just want to nurse on my mom all day. I don't want to sleep, I just want to nurse on my mom all day.
me: ARGH! I AM GOING INSANE!
sleep: (sends postcard from the beach)
the Biscuit: SPAZZ SPAZZ! Mommy, can we go play outside? Mommy, can I go catch a leaf? Mommy, why does a princess wear a dress? Mommy, why are you crying?
t.rex: HERBLAAAAAAAGH!!!! (this is the sound of a FOUNTAIN OF VOMIT.)
me: ARGH! MY BEBBEH! MY BEBBEH HAZ TEH WOMMITS! I AM COVERED IN WOMMIT!
t.rex's doctor, via email: Maybe a cup of whole milk yogurt before bed isn't the way to go with t.rex right now.
t.rex: Oh, good. I'm done wommiting. I think I'd like to start coughing now.
me: ARGH! MY BEBBEH! MY BEBBEH HAZ A COLD!
me: ARGH! ME! I HAZ A COLD!
Dr. Krog: You know, I think it really was Swine Flu.
me: I agree. The test is only 50% accurate, and you kept trying to bite the doctor while she was swabbing you, and Sanjay Gupta had what you had, and that was Swine Flu, and he's never ever wrong, apparently.
t.rex: Uh, guys. I'm still sick. (hacking like your aunt that smoked 2 packs a day and wore a fox fur to Thanksgiving)
me: I begin to see your problem, son. (hacking like your aunt that smoked 2 packs a day and wore a fox fur to Thanksgiving)
t.rex's doctor: Both ears are infected. Did you have a lot of ear infections when you were a kid?
me: So many that they had to remove my tonsils when I was 4. I wrote a book about it. Why do you ask?
my doctor: You have bronchitis. It's viral. I can't give you anything except an asthma inhaler. You probably caught your husband's Swine Flu, and it manifested differently in you and your baby.
me: Sweet gravy, I hope it was Swine Flu, so that I can get that over with. But I am too tired to wait around for my asthma inhaler, and I don't want to look any geekier than I already do. Let's go home and rest.
the Biscuit: SPAZZ SPAZZ! Mommy, you sound like this! HUGKSHLOWELIHJSDLKCAW CAW! You are coughing funny! Mommy, why are you crying again?
t.rex: You know what? Life's better without sleep.