Wednesday, September 30, 2009

the doctor is > IN


The Infection Connection: A Family's Immune System in One Act

Dr. Krog: I'm dying!

Doc-in-the-box: I can't get an accurate swipe of your nasal cavity because you keep threatening to bite me. Even though you have the textbook symptoms of Swine Flu, the Rapid Response Usually Wrong Test says it's *not* Swine Flu. Here is drugz.

Dr. Krog: Meds don't help. Still dying!

*

t.rex: Wow, it's hot in here. Is anybody else hot in here?

me: ARGH! MY BEBBEH! MY BEBBEH HAZ FEVERZ!!!!!

sleep: I'm outta here.

the Biscuit: SPAZZ SPAZZ! (exuding health and vitality and energy and GAH.)

*

Dr. Krog: Still dying! I can haz cheezburger?

*

t.rex: I'm not hot anymore. I'm cold. And I look like someone put a doily on my body and then spraypainted me red and then removed the doily.

me: ARGH! MY BEBBEH! MY BEBBEH HAZ RASHES!

Doc-in-the-box: It's Roseola. I can't do anything about it, but here's some cough syrup, which I shouldn't prescribe according to the FDA, the AAP, and the liberal media. But I will anyway.

t.rex: You know what? I don't want to sleep, I just want to nurse on my mom all day. I don't want to sleep, I just want to nurse on my mom all day.

me: ARGH! I AM GOING INSANE!

sleep: (sends postcard from the beach)

the Biscuit: SPAZZ SPAZZ! Mommy, can we go play outside? Mommy, can I go catch a leaf? Mommy, why does a princess wear a dress? Mommy, why are you crying?

*

t.rex: HERBLAAAAAAAGH!!!! (this is the sound of a FOUNTAIN OF VOMIT.)

me: ARGH! MY BEBBEH! MY BEBBEH HAZ TEH WOMMITS! I AM COVERED IN WOMMIT!

t.rex's doctor, via email: Maybe a cup of whole milk yogurt before bed isn't the way to go with t.rex right now.

*

t.rex: Oh, good. I'm done wommiting. I think I'd like to start coughing now.

me: ARGH! MY BEBBEH! MY BEBBEH HAZ A COLD!

me: ARGH! ME! I HAZ A COLD!

*

Dr. Krog: You know, I think it really was Swine Flu.

me: I agree. The test is only 50% accurate, and you kept trying to bite the doctor while she was swabbing you, and Sanjay Gupta had what you had, and that was Swine Flu, and he's never ever wrong, apparently.

t.rex: Uh, guys. I'm still sick. (hacking like your aunt that smoked 2 packs a day and wore a fox fur to Thanksgiving)

me: I begin to see your problem, son. (hacking like your aunt that smoked 2 packs a day and wore a fox fur to Thanksgiving)

*

t.rex's doctor: Both ears are infected. Did you have a lot of ear infections when you were a kid?

me: So many that they had to remove my tonsils when I was 4. I wrote a book about it. Why do you ask?

*

my doctor: You have bronchitis. It's viral. I can't give you anything except an asthma inhaler. You probably caught your husband's Swine Flu, and it manifested differently in you and your baby.

me: Sweet gravy, I hope it was Swine Flu, so that I can get that over with. But I am too tired to wait around for my asthma inhaler, and I don't want to look any geekier than I already do. Let's go home and rest.

the Biscuit: SPAZZ SPAZZ! Mommy, you sound like this! HUGKSHLOWELIHJSDLKCAW CAW! You are coughing funny! Mommy, why are you crying again?

t.rex: You know what? Life's better without sleep.

me: CRAXY!!!!!!!!

FIN.

10 comments:

M family said...

Jeez!!! And I tought my life sucks with 2 sinus infection, 1 cold, 1 ear infection and 1 croup! Hugs!

Maureen said...

How on EARTH can you be so funny when you are so sick and miserable. Kudos to you, D!!! I hope you are magically well by morning!

Alicia Istanbul said...

lol (sorry). Not to laugh at your misfortune, but you just make it too funny. I hope you all feel better soon.

EttyOop said...

Oh Delilah... I can't even laugh at the funnies, because I feel so bad for you.

I hope everyone feels better soon!

Caroline D. said...

this goes down as one of my favorite posts of all time.

sorry you are sick, mama. Maybe when this is all over we can finally go on a date?

charissimo said...

Wait, is this a comedy or a tragedy?

Virginia Valerie said...

You are brilliant and I hope you feel better soon!

jarvenpa said...

I just need to tell you that you have been invaded by a communist plot, because when I came to read the comments what was the magic word I am supposed to type?

castro

Yep.

Perhaps this is a sign that excellent Cuban food would cure your family.

Oh, Dee, I hope all of you get well soon, and that the Biscuit has magic capacity to stay well and princessy.

And that sleep comes back for a long stay.

Leslie said...

OMG, Shoot me in the head dead with and axe. How you make it funny, I'll never understand, but I thank you.

I AM SO VERY glad those days of children and their father ill are behind me.

Ghet well soon and I ope you retain what sanity you have and that no mayhem ensues.

veganf said...

Unbelievable!!!