Sunday, August 23, 2009

the phantom crap

Who knows what evil lurks in the diapers of babies?
The Phantom Nose.


Muahahahaha!

No, really.

Are you familiar with The Phantom Crap?

The Phantom Crap is what occurs when you're happily playing with your sweet, chubby baby, and he's crawling all over you and laughing and giving you those marvelous, open-mouth kisses all over your chin, and he's saying lovely, endearing things about baw-de-raw-baw and then you catch a whiff of something horrid.

And then you heft said baby under the arms and deposit him about 4 feet away from you to make sure that he's not leaking toxic fluid all over you.

And then you realize why he's so blasted happy. Why he looks like this:


Judging by the smell, he's just had the biggest, gooeyest crap of his life.

As he squats on the ground, fanny waving in the air, you approach carefully and sniff.

Oh, sweet lord, it's horrible.

You go downstairs for some fresh, extra wet baby wipes, because the ones in his room are a little dried out, and you don't want to end up using blankets and dirty socks to stem the tides of the ooze in his britches.

You lay out an old, mangy blanket, get 8 wipes separated and ready, take a deep breath, and whip off his pants.

No ooze. Thank goodness.

Then you gingerly undo the diaper tabs to find....


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*

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...nothing.

Not even a little, teeny, tiny, baby skid mark.

The horrible, nasty, hideous stench of doom was apparently just a silent but deadly baby fart.

And the cruel irony is that when he does hunker down for that monumental, unavoidable, disgustingly green splat, you won't know it, and then you'll pick him up and snuggle him and ruin your shirt and stain both hands and probably be out of wipes and end up using your nicest kitchen towel and smell like a dysenteric cow for the rest of the day.

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My kid had the biggest Phantom Crap ever today. It totally stunk. And the diaper was as white as driven snow.

Anybody else know what I'm talkin' about, yo?

7 comments:

Leslie said...

Boy, do I EVAH!

Ash said...

Oh my gosh, yes yes yes. I had the unmatched pleasure of holding my son last night, with my hand under his butt to snuggle him closer to my side, then feeling the poop pile grow under my hand. I should have moved. I could have moved. But it was like a train wreck and I just couldn't.

Beth said...

Yes. I know what you mean, and have done the entire prepare the wipes for battle routine you wrote about.

However, my dog lays down the worst s.b.d.s ever. It can clear the room... even she leaves not wanting to inhale her own stench.

BTW, T.Rex has the eyes every photographer dreams of capturing on camera.

charissimo said...

This makes me glad my child is now officially out of the dipes. But he still lets off a mean SBD. And the potty "training" which at first consisted of him taking dumps all over our 35 acres this summer like some lost boy out of The Lord of the Flies was actually even GROSSER than diapers, if you can believe it. Human turds really are the ultimate nasty.

Jane said...

Totally! And I'm so glad we're past that stage now. Just a little hint.....the phantom will be lurking when they're potty training, too!

faemom said...

Yes. Yes, I do.
I fear for the non-stinking turd that rubs the kid raw because the kid never makes any mention of it and it has no smell, making diaper changes a full out war for weeks.

EttyOop said...

Oh yes! Livvie is the MASTER of that phenomenon. *shudder*