Signs your baby might have the plague:
1. When you get undressed, you find dry, green baby boogers stuck to your back.
2. When he nurses, he snuffles like a pig eating cake batter.
3. He has zombie seeds in his sweet, innocent, brain-hungry eyes.
4. He's so hoarse that when he cries, no sound comes out, and you get a car wash and vacuum half your car before you realize that he's been crying for at least five minutes and is covered in boogers and eye boogers and tears, but you couldn't hear it because of the car wash and vacuum. And then you feel like the worst, most deaf* mother on earth.
5. You didn't get to sleep until after midnight last night because your sick baby took 5 naps during the day and decided that night time was the right time for his Baby Beyond Thunderdome Challenge, which mostly involved doing front flips over his plastic garden wall.
6. He can't even talk, but he's hoarse, like an old lady that smokes. And you keep expecting him to say, "Honey, that Orson Welles was a cad."
7. When he craps himself and you accidentally stick your hand down the back of his diaper and pull out a slime-covered paw that should, by rights, be burned by people in Hazmat suits, it's GREEN. Like, swamp green. And it smells like buttered toast and dead bodies.
8. Even if he never has a fever, he feels kinda clammy and moist all the time, like balloon full of soup.
9. Your older and more energetic child is bursting with health and vitality, and attempting to stay home for a quiet day in bed is a definite impossibility for which you will be punished. And that punishment will involve princess dresses, jumping up and down, and generally making the sick baby cry through violent displays of affection.
10. You've forgotten what it's like *not* to have a small, limp parasite attached to your life-giving bosom, but you're pretty sure it would involve a lot less pinching, scratching, and slime.
11. When your own throat starts to feel scratchy, you start swallowing any vitamin you can find, chasing it with a packet of Emergen-C, and generally trying to be the first person in history to put the smackdown on the common cold. Because the only thing worse than a sick baby is a sick mama.
* Not to be confused with Most Def, because I don't feel like I kick it at all, yo.