The Biscuit: Mommy, I am hungry.
Me: What do you want?
The Biscuit: I want more cheese.
(I look at the trail of shredded cheese from the kitchen to the couch to the little couch to her foot.)
Me: Okay, but you have to sit at the kitchen table to eat your cheese.
The Biscuit: No.
Me: So what do you want then?
The Biscuit: Grapes.
Me: We don't have any grapes.
The Biscuit: Yes we do. I will show you.
(She opens the fridge and points to 2-week-old mummified grapes.)
Me: You don't want to eat those, dude. They are old and gross.
The Biscuit: Yeah, I do. Grapes are yummy.
Me: Those grapes are so old and nasty that the California Raisins wouldn't hire them as nannies. Let me just throw those away, because I'm the sort of mom who's totally on top of things. What else do you want? How about an apple?
The Biscuit: Yeah, an apple!
(I take out an apple, wash it, cut it up, hand her the biggest piece.)
The Biscuit: NO, I DON'T LIKE APPLES!!
Me: You just said you wanted it.
The Biscuit: No, I don't. I just want a peach.
Me: They're not ripe. Eat this apple.
The Biscuit: No, I don't. I just want... I just want... a cookie.
Me: Not gonna happen.
The Biscuit: I just want a avocado.
Me: Great! Let me get--
The Biscuit: No, I don't like avocados anymore. But I like strawberries again.
Me: We don't have strawberries.
The Biscuit: I just want a plum. Plums are my favorite.
Me: Here is the apple I have already cut for you. If you eat it, you can have a plum.
The Biscuit: No, I don't really like apples. They are yucky.
Me: Fine, spazz. I'm going to go eat this apple.
The Biscuit: NO, I WANT IT!!!!! And also the green things. The green mushrooms. The cheesy things. With the yellow stuff inside the green mushrooms. It's called dee-doo-dee-doo-zeeeeeee!
Toddler FTW, eh?