No, Dr. Krog isn't forcing me to swallow a pill, cat-style up there.
I'm holding my nose.
And that's why I have this... rant? Soapbox diatribe? Public service announcement? Plea??
For the love of all that's holy, people, be judicious in your use of perfume.
Seriously. It was horrible when I was pregnant, and it's still horrible. A woman sat 5 feet away from me today wearing perfume so rancid and cloying and strong that I kinda wanted to throw up just to smell something different.
I know it's the South, and it's hot and humid, and you don't want people to smell anything about your body. I know that we're trained to believe that sweat and body odor are awful, disgusting, unladylike indelicacies. But I promise you that wearing 78 spritzes of drugstore perfume is not fooling anyone. Even wearing 4 spritzes of fancy-pants high-end perfume isn't fooling anyone.
I'm not thinking, "Mmmm, Calvin Klein! She's classy and hip!"
I'm thinking, "Oh, sweet jeebus, i'm going to have to switch seats before she notices the look on my face and checks her kid's diaper."
Now, don't get me wrong. I love smells. I love handmade soaps, scented lotions and body butters, delicious sugar scrubs, bath bombs, even handmade perfume oils. I'm a regular at Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab and Lush, and searching "soap" on Etsy is my own brand of pornography.
But these things are unique and subtle, and I just dab the pulse points and hair.
Just dab. Just a dab.
But it seems that when you give folks a big ol' bottle with a spritzer or a spray, they just need to go to town. Sptzz, sptzz, sptzzz. Spray your brush, your wrists, your decolletage. And then you have to mist the air, and walk through that.
I guess I just feel that perfumes, or any sort of scent, shouldn't be noticeable from more than 2 feet away. Shaking hands, hugging, talking intimately-- that's when your scent should be noticeable, unique, and interesting, not to mention well-chosen to suit your body chemistry. But 5 feet? In an air-conditioned restaurant? Seriously? No.
So here I am, begging you, America. Cool it with the mass-produced, sprayable stank-juice. I don't want to sit next to you at the movies, or across from you at the coffee house, or stand behind your grandmother at the grocery store, even if we all know little old ladies only bathe once a month because they can't get their poofy blue hair wet.
Just Say N'eau.
That being said, if you're looking for some simply fabulous smells, follow that link up there to BPAL or Lush, or head on over to Etsy and type in "perfume oil" or "natural perfume" or "aromatherapy fragrance". I just placed an order with Wiggle Perfume today, and I absolutely can't wait to receive my sample vials. My chemistry has changed since pregnancy, and I need to find some new signature scents. I never want someone to smell me and think, "Blah, I've smelled that before." No, I want them to barely catch a whiff, and think, "OMG, what is that amazing smell? I WANT TO EAT YOU. But in a fairly platonic fashion"
*p.s. I don't think anyone reading my blog stinks. I think you are all fabulous, unique flowers with armpits that delicately waft of roses and almond essence.
*pps. Did you guys know I only wash my hair every 4 days? It's true. And I still don't stink, no matter what that biotch said in Glamour last month.