Saturday, June 13, 2009

eau say can you stink?


No, Dr. Krog isn't forcing me to swallow a pill, cat-style up there.

I'm holding my nose.


And that's why I have this... rant? Soapbox diatribe? Public service announcement? Plea??

For the love of all that's holy, people, be judicious in your use of perfume.

Seriously. It was horrible when I was pregnant, and it's still horrible. A woman sat 5 feet away from me today wearing perfume so rancid and cloying and strong that I kinda wanted to throw up just to smell something different.

I know it's the South, and it's hot and humid, and you don't want people to smell anything about your body. I know that we're trained to believe that sweat and body odor are awful, disgusting, unladylike indelicacies. But I promise you that wearing 78 spritzes of drugstore perfume is not fooling anyone. Even wearing 4 spritzes of fancy-pants high-end perfume isn't fooling anyone.

I'm not thinking, "Mmmm, Calvin Klein! She's classy and hip!"

I'm thinking, "Oh, sweet jeebus, i'm going to have to switch seats before she notices the look on my face and checks her kid's diaper."

Now, don't get me wrong. I love smells. I love handmade soaps, scented lotions and body butters, delicious sugar scrubs, bath bombs, even handmade perfume oils. I'm a regular at Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab and Lush, and searching "soap" on Etsy is my own brand of pornography.

But these things are unique and subtle, and I just dab the pulse points and hair.

Just dab. Just a dab.

But it seems that when you give folks a big ol' bottle with a spritzer or a spray, they just need to go to town. Sptzz, sptzz, sptzzz. Spray your brush, your wrists, your decolletage. And then you have to mist the air, and walk through that.

I guess I just feel that perfumes, or any sort of scent, shouldn't be noticeable from more than 2 feet away. Shaking hands, hugging, talking intimately-- that's when your scent should be noticeable, unique, and interesting, not to mention well-chosen to suit your body chemistry. But 5 feet? In an air-conditioned restaurant? Seriously? No.

So here I am, begging you, America. Cool it with the mass-produced, sprayable stank-juice. I don't want to sit next to you at the movies, or across from you at the coffee house, or stand behind your grandmother at the grocery store, even if we all know little old ladies only bathe once a month because they can't get their poofy blue hair wet.

Just Say N'eau.

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That being said, if you're looking for some simply fabulous smells, follow that link up there to BPAL or Lush, or head on over to Etsy and type in "perfume oil" or "natural perfume" or "aromatherapy fragrance". I just placed an order with Wiggle Perfume today, and I absolutely can't wait to receive my sample vials. My chemistry has changed since pregnancy, and I need to find some new signature scents. I never want someone to smell me and think, "Blah, I've smelled that before." No, I want them to barely catch a whiff, and think, "OMG, what is that amazing smell? I WANT TO EAT YOU. But in a fairly platonic fashion"

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p.s. I don't think anyone reading my blog stinks. I think you are all fabulous, unique flowers with armpits that delicately waft of roses and almond essence.

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pps. Did you guys know I only wash my hair every 4 days? It's true. And I still don't stink, no matter what that biotch said in Glamour last month.

7 comments:

William said...

Have you ever whiffed "Jungle Gardenia?" Its a 'man' thing. I knew a student in Colorado (back in the real hippie days) who NEVER bathed..and she exuded an aura of olor all her own. It wasn't repellent..it was PAMELA. No mistaking her presence..funky yes, stinky, not really. Actually rather erotic. Pamela now lives in the deep dark forest of Massachusets...maybe Sheffield or something like that..she has bears, uses wood to keep warm..and her daughter Nin (for Anais Nin) is Tannith Berkeley, who has been on the art pages of the NY Times TWICE..for her odd women photos..she tried to kick me in a personal zone when she was only nine years old! Pam was an original, and so was her olor.

RDHe said...

Missy makes me laugh. Always has.

RDHe said...

Missy makes me laugh. Always has.

Virginia Valerie said...

Ooh yes, i totally agree with you! Hate that stank perfume! It was especially bad when I rode the bus everyday. Stifle!

I love the Lush Karma. Yes, I know that I smell like a hippie. It's okay.

Christine's Arts said...

Eau yes! I get such a headache when that lady comes to church late and sits in back by me. Thanks for the public service announcement. Breathers unite! Hey, I loved your honest answers in the previous post, and I'm glad they were able to take care of that tumor. Thank you so much for participating.

EttyOop said...

I am SO with you there. The best is when I'm sitting at some sort of presentation where i have to stay (like the kids leading the service @ temple with their hebrew school class, or like a class play or spelling bee or something), and all of a sudden this HORRIFIC alcoholy, flowery smell sits down a few rows back. And it's so strong you KNOW that it's a few rows back and yet you can smell the overpowering perfume of it. I stop breathing well. And yet I'm trapped. And even worse than that is when I turn around, realize that the odor is coming from my ex's fiancee, and know without a doubt that my kids will be slathered with that smell before the night is out becuase it's just that strong.

so yes, i totally understand!


oh, and i don't smell like roses and almonds. i smell like pancakes with yak butter and blueberry syrup (yay for BPAL!)....

faemom said...

LOL I never understood why any one wanted to drench themselves in perfume. I get it as one who can stink like a man, but I buy really good deoderant and stay away from perfumes.