Friday, June 19, 2009

dear jillian


Dear Jillian,

As much as I appreciate your 30 Day Shred, I do have a few complaints. *

1. When you say "Just a couple more, girls!" and then there are 8 to 16 more reps, I want to smack you in your smug, smiling mouth and knock out "just a couple" of your teeth.

2. When you say "I have 400-pound people who can do jumping jacks, and so can you!" I want to kick you in the bajingo with steel-toed boots, because you have never had a baby and don't know what it's like to do jumping jacks after having a baby. Or sneeze after having a baby. Or laugh after having a baby.

3. When you say, "That pain is fear leaving the body!" I want to run over your taut, stretch-mark-free abs with a monster truck while eating a powdered donut, because there is no fear involved in bicycle crunches.

Please refrain from being so smug all the time. And tell Natalie that she cheats.

Oh, and thank you for my rock-hard biceps. They would be really impressive if I could get rid of some of the fat swaddling them.

Sincerely,

Delilah

***

* I complain too much, and i'm trying to get better about it. When I think something is funny or weird or interesting, it's often perceived as a complaint, and I just don't register that people don't want to hear about it. Sorry. I feel like I am an upbeat, positive, happy person, but apparently I have been called boring, negative, and whiny. Again, sorry. So I have asked Dr. Krog to help me out by raising one finger every time I say something that could be perceived as a complaint so that I can attempt to change my behavior.

And I understand that he is metaphysically raising several fingers and looking at me menacingly right now, but honestly, it had to be said. Jillian needed to hear it.

10 comments:

Anonymous said...

Nah dude, I'm just totally proud of you for your desire to shred. I think it's rad. And tubular. TMNT!
-Dr. K-rog

Lynn said...

Bajingo! I love that one.

I don't find you negative, boring and whiny! Did someone actually say that?

Christine's Arts said...

LOL LMAO

roseaeron said...

Why do they do that? I feel exactly the same way! I feel like I'm just making an observation, but my husband thinks I am the most pessimistic creature alive. I prefer wry. I prefer witty or even sarcastic. I don't Feel negative, and I totally meant to be funny. Maybe they're just weird and we're fine. ;-)

I feel ya on the jumping jacks...

charissimo said...

Dude, #2? SERIOUSLY. They're going to have to make a Sportz Depends one of these days.

faemom said...

Yes, it had to be said. Remember when kegel exercises were optional. I miss those days, especially when I sneeze, do jumping jacks or any damn jumpint. Finally, she really says That pain is fear leaving the body?" What the hell is wrong with that woman?

incognitomom said...

Oh good anotehr complainer for me to commiserate with. Ido complain alot but sometimes it's not a complaint bust as you said an observation of life. We can't help it if our humor is sarcastic. Get over it people. Admit it, sometimes we're funnt even if it does sound like complaining.

I've been avoiding this Shred thing like the plague. Me, exercise. No thanks. I'm much happier being soft and flabby. (yeah, right) But you go girl because I wish I could force myself to do SOMETHING!

stinestrain said...

I hope this whole complainy thing isn't about what I said the other day that you complained a lot at the end of your pregnancy.

cuz, you did, but I never said anything THEN which was my point. it's not nice to say things like that to pregnant people even if they are true. just like you should never tell someone they are a caricature of a pregnant woman, or "all your fat is in your back this time".

hrmph.

but I certainly never said you were boring or whiny, so that must be someone else ;) and you are probably saying to craig right now "omg christine thinks everything I blog is about her, what a self-centered pregnant person!" :P

laterg8r said...

omg - this left me roflmao and i had to get my bff to your site immediately! now we're both laughing! thanks for that :)

delilah, the unruly helpmeet said...

Welcome, laterg8r!

And, dear stine, it actually arose on several fronts this week in a way that was too coincidental for me to ignore.

I seriously remember that pregnancy as lovely, pleasant, and easy, so there's something going on between my "feeler" and my "rememberer".