Saturday, May 30, 2009

W.B.I.N.T.W.A


WBINTWA = What Blossom Is Not To Wear Anymore, because Mayim Bialik was the newest tortured plaything of What Not To Wear's Dynamic Duo of Dshopping for Dfashionable Dclothes.

To catch you up to speed, Mayim Bialik was America's darling as TVs "Blossom" in the early 1990's. She was a quirky girl who did spastic dances while wearing sassy, colorful, often mismatched clothing, and she had a penchant for ridiculous hats riddled with ridiculous flowers. That photo up there pretty much says it all.

When her TV career drew to a close, Mayim did what every other popular TV actress did-- she went to college, got married to a pudgy guy, and earned her PhD in Neuroscience with a minor in Hebrew Studies.

Then she had two children and was photographed in public like this:

Needless to say, I feel a kinship with the girl.

And that's why I'm so very upset to have missed the last 30 minutes of the episode. I want to know if her style is better than Blossom's. And since she doesn't wear pants or leather, I'm curious if anyone suggested leather pants. And I have no earthly idea what outfits she chose, how Nick did her hair, whether she cried when he did his patented "here's your pony tail, hippie, now CRY" trick, and how Carmindy made her gorgeous by putting makeup all over her bony little hands and then applying it to someone else's lips.

I just get creeped out when she does that. I mean, what if she recently did makeup for Tommy Lee or Kid Rock and transferred some leper juice?

In any case, i'm assuming it went something like this.

BEFORE:


She looks like Colonel Mustard's niece, Dijon von Houndstooth.

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AFTER:

WHOA!

Just kidding. That's Joey Lawrence, who played Blossom's brother. Remember when cute guys on TV weren't shaved, tanned, plucked, and six-packed? And they actually had scraggledy waggledy chest hair and wore necklaces made of soda pop tops?

Me, too.

Those were the good old days.

As i'm seriously unable to find a single "After" shot of Mayim's makeover, i'm going to have to hope for the best and keep my eyes on the DVR prize. I think I know exactly how she felt, watching two weeks' worth of footage of her frump. Every defense she made of her style-- i've made it, too. I only wear shirts that are nursing accessible and tummy defensible. I wear pants that disguise my reconfiguring middle. I wear the same shoes every day because they slip on without requiring hands. I generally have a 20 pound person strapped to my chest, shielding whatever i'm wearing from too much scrutiny.

Mayim, you're my new TV best friend. Let's put on our Ergos and grab some chai, and you can tell me all about how you secretly hope your kids will wear lots of funny hats.

10 comments:

Maggi said...

I would not have been able to identify with any of this 8 months ago but now that Toot's here...wow, it's amazing how your perspective changes, yeesh. lol I loved watching Blossom back in the day!

EttyOop said...

Yeah, I TOTALLY identified with her... sadly. I actually went and looked at my clothes afterward, realizing how similar my wardrobe is *sigh* Well. Not as quirky and unusual, but definitely as shapeless and hidey....

I will say that the stuff they put on her afterward is not stuff I'd wear...

stinestrain said...

I just think "makeovers" are a depressing concept in general. And they never work, because you are going to go right back to your own style (however un-stylish it may be) as soon as you get home. It's like letting the hairdresser try that AWESOME cut on you that you can never once replicate after leaving the salon.

Of course, I assume that signing up to be on what not to wear is voluntary, so people are just asking for it.

Virginia Valerie said...

Ooh, I saw it! It went well for her. She didn't cry. And they went for the natural low maintenance look for her. I think you'd be happy. And I"m sure it will repeat soon...

Weirdly tho, her husband wasn't at the reveal because he was "watching their other child." Eh?

bibliophiliac said...

Thanks for the flashback to one of my favorite celeb ex-boyfriends. Joey daydreams got me through Bio with Granville.

katiri said...

WHOA! Thanks for some JoeyLawrence nip first thing in the a.m.

I hated his baldness and spraytan on Dancing w/Stars.

I love Blossom. We used to talk about that show in French class the next day, (en francais, nateurallement) because our teacher loved her.

The one sock is still haunting me.

Caroline D. said...

dude thanks for the head's up i need to tivo that! I will let you know if I record it and you can come over and watch it.

Though I hated Blossom.

Ditto on the orthopedic sock creeping me out...

carma said...

I would love to see the after shot too. I saw on the Today show that she was going to have the makeover and I'm dying to see how it turned out!

delilah, the unruly helpmeet said...

See, now, Stine, i'm gonna have to disagree with you. I believe change is actually possible, but most people don't *want* to change. Most of these people, especially on WNTW, have some psychology to work out and are stuck in their rut for a reason. If the show is able to break through that reason, and the person is willing to change, I think anything is possible, inside and out.

Same for that awesome hairdo-- if you're not willing to blow dry, curl, use product, whatever, you're never going to have it again. But if you *want* to get up 20 minutes early and buy the products and go to the trouble, you can definitely have that haircut.

I like makeovers, at least realistic ones that take the person's lifestyle into account, because I like hope, and I like seeing people feel good about themselves.

If offered, I would be on WNTW in a heartbeat.

Virginia Valerie said...

So, you want us to nominate you, right?