Thursday, May 21, 2009
unruly review: robinson crusoe
To further cement the understanding that I only watch TV shows that you've never, ever heard of, let me tell you about Crusoe, aka New TV Boyfriend.
This review should be random and disjointed enough to defy spoilers, but, honestly, every episode is so transparent that it won't make a difference.
Apparently, the original image of Robinson Crusoe just wasn't cool enough.
So they really wanted to glam it up with attractive people and witty repartee. They turned Crusoe into a sort of 19th century McGyver relentlessly pursued by the emotive C-level cast of Pirates of the Caribbean, and the public was overwhelmingly underwhelmed.
And then I found it on the shelf of Target for $19.99, and our next adventure began.
First of all, there's Robinson Crusoe, who has been trapped on The Island for 6 years.
Can I get a HUBBA HUBBA?
This guy is 4 years younger than me, which makes me feel well-preserved and cougaresque at the same time.
Then there's his buddy Friday, whom he rescued from cannibals.
Gee, who thinks the cannibals might show up again? Wouldn't that make for riveting TV?
Anyway, they live in this totally awesome treehouse with all the comforts of home, including clever methods of travel, water collection, and defense. Of course, you can't defend a treehouse from fire.
Gee, who thinks the treehouse might be threatened with fire repeatedly?
The island has loads of dangerous pitfalls, from man-eating crocodiles to piranha-infested rivers to haunted temples. Somehow, although they've been there 6 years and can run across the island in a day, they still manage to find new things they've never seen before in pretty much every episode.
Gee, who thinks the writers really liked Lost?
And throughout all of their adventures with pirates, sailors, transvestites, cannibals, tribal royalty, and snotty enemies, there are these poorly done flashbacks of Crusoe's former life that tell the story of how he grew up, was utterly screwed over by life, and made repeated mistakes that generally involved trusting the wrong people.
Gee, who thinks they know who the big bad guy might be?
Not this guy.
Not the beloved, helpful, generous uncle who looks evilly off into the distance while wearing flashy black capes.
Oh, and then another chick shows up.
And, sadly, although it's interesting and fun, it simply wasn't good enough for a second season. I liked it, and I still know there's not a chance.
Dangit, Crusoe! You trusted those guys at NBC, didn't you?
You always trust the wrong people!
When they ask you to be in Major League 4, please say no.
Anyway, for $20, it made for several nights of entertainment. Even when we were complaining or making fun of it, we were having fun.
I mean, he ain't the Goblin King, but he'll do.
Especially when running down the beach without a shirt.