Thursday, May 28, 2009

in soviet russia, shark jumps you!


I hereby offer you a list of things that have officially jumped my mental Jaws.

Katie Holmes. Ugg boots. Clever Twilight shirts, especially ones that include the word "Team". Swine flu. Coach bags, especially ones covered in C and made of plastic. High-heeled ankle booties. Any fashion phrase that includes "is the new black". Tube tops.

The fact that organic fruit and vegetables are prohibitively expensive yet normal fruits and vegetables are frankenplants that will give my great-grandkids gallbladder cancer. Grocery store cashiers or baggers who refuse to bag my groceries because I bring reusable bags. The fact that it costs $150 to adopt an adult cat from the Humane Society. The fact that cat food companies want us to believe that cats need cranberries and alfalfa in their diets.

Madonna's arms. Mischa Barton's cellulite. Angelina Jolie's anything. Lady GaGa's existence. Those Jon and Kate people and the fact that America is surprised that fame and nagging are tearing them apart. The fact that my grandmother watches news just to hear about Kaylee Anthony, even though everybody knows she's dead and her mom did it.

Rising health care costs. The utter lameness of all forms of birth control. Getting older. Finding jeans that fit. This year's collection of sandals, which are modeled after either gladiators or Pocahontas. The Notebook. Yes, it's old, and it still bothers me. Figuring out what to do with all the leaves that fall in autumn. Credit card companies. Trash companies. Blogs with hundred of followers that are utterly boring, poorly written, or both. Dooce. How smug Colonel Sanders looks.

Traffic. Cars so small that I can't see them in my mirrors. Cars so big that they can't park. People texting while they drive. The term "sexting". How hard it is to lose weight. How many calories are in brownies. Consumer debt. War. The bias and lameness of cnn.com. Leg shaving. Hot weather. The fact that every time a LOLcat makes me LOL, my first thought is, "I could have come up with that."

Ahhhhh.

Catharsis.

I love blogging.

Jump higher, Katie-- you're gonna lose your Uggs!

13 comments:

charissimo said...

I love you. I really do.

Virginia Valerie said...

LOLiLOL! I agree with every single thing you've said here! well, except for coming up with the LOLcats myself, because really i'm not clever in that way. But you are!

I also feel that way about the fricken Notebook. Agh. Which I had the displeasure of reading first. In german. It sucks in that language too. The story. Not the writing.

Also love the sharky pic - but where's the shark's motorcycle.

PS I swear I will write about my job soon. After I catch up on sleep...

Leslie said...

Okay, I will hide my Uggs when you visit..

Maggi said...

This post is the new black.

hee hee

Jill said...

Love this list.

Tammy Howard said...

My daughter has a Team Edward shirt. because she's waiting for her lullaby. Ugg.

delilah, the unruly helpmeet said...

You know, I don't really mind Uggs in cold places. But here, in GA, in the 87 degree spring weather, with yoga pants? Who are you fooling?

And the shark doesn't have a bicycle, because fish don't need bicycles. You know that, Val!

And, well, I like Twilight. Just not the "Team" concept, so much. Did you know you can buy Twilight shirts at Wal*Mart? Le sigh.

Christine's Arts said...

You are the funniest. This will all make it into your comedy routine at some club downtown right? I think you can do it.

bibliophiliac said...

So true, and so funny! But what is your beef with birth control?

Anonymous said...

howz yr lolcatz for b*tch coming along? love, katiri (at work)

delilah, the unruly helpmeet said...

My beef with birth control. After 11 years on hormones, I am way too in love with my body off hormones. IUDs freak me out, especially since one friend had a uterine perforation and another friend has such horrible periods that she wants to die. All the barrier methods are icky or sticky or both. And permanent options are just too permanent. And NFP isn't going to help me much until menses have returned, and I don't know when that'll happen, since i'm nursing.

So, we've got crazy, icky, sticky, scary, forever, and unhelpful. Not much of a lineup.

For me, being pregnant was actually the best birth control. EVER.

Caroline D. said...

Well, I can agree on everything but the tube tops. Come on, what's not to love? You just hatin' girl.

And birth control?? I can't even deal with it right now. I'm so afraid of getting pregnant and so against hormonal birth control that we are practicing the only method that's 100 guaranteed (other than pregnancy) ifyouknowwhatimean.

Blair said...

You're right on every last point, although if all was right in the world, some of those things would have never achieved notoriety in the first place.