Friday, February 27, 2009

parenthood = a shot in the tit

Since my husband can no longer read my blog at work, I guess i'm free to say words like "tit", right? Because parenthood means all sorts of odd things one never expected.

Parenthood means....

... a complete examination with a doctor kit, including an ear stabulation, temperature jabbing, shot in the tit, and having your blood pressure taken around the knee. Usually, the prognosis is good. Today, I was assured that my ears were not dirty.

... knowing your child's diaper contents so well that you could match paint chips at Home Depot.

... saying to yourself, "These hot dogs are all beef and organic-- so that's healthy."

... realizing that counting 1-2-3 doesn't scare anyone, because your kid *knows* there are more numbers. And then spending half of your day counting down from 3 to 1.

... saying, "If you don't do X by the time I count to 3, you're going to be in big trouble," with no idea what big trouble will be.

... accepting that ketchup and ranch dressing aren't condiments so much as main dishes into which anything from broccoli to fish to bread can be dipped.

... thinking, "No one will notice the spit-up on my shirt, because they'll be looking at my cute baby," and then strategically holding the baby over the white splotch in public.

... having to say, "Don't hit your brother with the lightsaber again, or I'm taking away your laptop!"

... being thankful for a frequently nursing newborn, because it means you have no choice but to putter around the internet and have some small respite from playing hide and seek, chase, and "ice cream comes out of this gas pump" with your toddler.

... having instant conversation fodder with other new moms regarding things that did or did not come out of their bajingos and veiled comments on the aftermath of that area.

... sitting at home, wishing desperately that you could go to the gym for two hours, because exercise and alone time are the two hardest things to accomplish.

... reading a parenting magazine and realizing that you *still* aren't the target demographic, even though you are, in fact, a parent.

... spending 10 minutes with your spouse discussing how cute your child's toes/dimple/lisp can be.

... using a blog as your only creative outlet so that you won't go insane because there is one very small, easily angered person sucking the marrow from your bones and another, slightly larger person begging you to please read this Winnie-the-Pooh book that you hide every. single. day., but she still manages to find it somehow.

In conclusion, love means never having to say you're sorry, and parenthood means a shot in the tit.

2 comments:

katiri said...

"reading a parenting magazine and realizing that you *still* aren't the target demographic, even though you are, in fact, a parent." SO TRUE, and actually, reassuring for me.

valerie said...

thanks for this! a look into parenthood. :-)