Monday, January 26, 2009

gag me with a toothbrush

(If you are pregnant and/or Christine, please don't read this. Seriously.)

Anyone who tells you children are tidy (or even "occasionally not filthy") is a dirty liar.

Not only the whole "what goes in must come out, probably full of mystery corn" cliche.

Not only the "prune explosion" that occurs for the first 6 months of solid foods and leaves you with a hideous, unexplainable stain in an embarrassing place.

Not only the toe lint, neck cheese, smegma, and green slug sneezes.

No, it's worse than that.

Tonight, when I went to brush the Biscuit's teeth before bed, I found that she had held onto her dinner. She had hot dogs with ketchup. And she'd been rollin' that bit of hot dog around in her mouth for 10 minutes like meat gum.

And I didn't find out until I stuck the toothbrush in there and started brushing, and little bits of pink meat got all mixed up with the blue toothpaste, and I almost barfed.

Have you smelled kids' toothpaste mixed with hot dog? HAVE YOU?

Sorry, Snoopy toothbrush. You are hereby fired. And i'm going to go skip second dinner. And gargle mouthwash. And find brain bleach.

And try to forget.

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