Sunday, June 29, 2008

maternity 4: taking the "R" out of "shirt"

I've nearly outgrown my favorite t-shirts now, so i'm more aware than ever of how pathetic maternity shirts can be. Especially if you don't like puffy sleeves, frills, lace, and other "feminine" details that make one feel more like an antimacassar than a woman. So off we go!

11. Quit lookin' at me!
When you're pregnant, it's like a bullseye is painted on your belly... but if you get this shirt, you've got two gigantic, mesmerizing, 1970's-style owl eyes painted across your tummy and continuing their evil eye march around your backside. And above that, you get some strange, alien pea pods. Oh, and above that, there is sexy, rumpled, black lace! Growl, foxy mama! And did I mention the sleeves are still a 4th odd component of what appears to be a scratchy polyester psychedelic eye test? It's like Marcia Brady's evil pregnant witch costume from one of the final seasons of The Bunch. It's Episode 567, "Witch Singer Is Your Daddy: Marcia Goes to the Evil Fairy Ball with the Aging Davy Jones that Fathered Her Spawn at Prom."

12. Hang you from the ceiling and call you Chandler
Yup, back to the "Help, the 1960's are eating my baby" look. Prints can be good, or they can be dangerous. Here, we combine only the most flattering colors for a vibrant pregger: gray, gray, gray, grayish black, white, and pink. Then we add the ubiquitous 3/4 sleeve with juuust enough of a cuff to make your wrists look poofy and make you experiment with up, or down, or up, which all are slightly painful and leave unsightly marks. And then there's the charming one-two punch of polyester charmeuse and fake rhinestones along the collar. If Austen Powers went camping with Zooey Deschanel, this is totally the tent they would take.

13. Little House on the Dangerous Liaison
Genre mixing alert: woo wooo wooooo! This shirt seems to sincerely confuse wagon train fashion with Edwardian nightgowns. And what the heck is silk twill, anyway? Is it related to velvet canvas? Ugh. I'm seeing big, floofy, Dolly Madison sleeves, pointy shoulders, weird gathers, pattern meandering, and some bra. Yup. Girlfriend is showing her dainty unmentionables. If you can't make the model look great with lighting, fabric clipping, and strategic taping, how on earth are the rest of us supposed to fare? Who cares? One day, you're going to be at a Gold Rush sing along and feel the need for a silk twill maternity nightshirt, and you're going to be all set for only $88. Wait! Reduced to $29.99!

14. I'm going to need 20 cc's of unfugly, stat!
I have known several medical professionals on a personal basis, and none of them ever wanted to "look" like pregnant nurses when off duty. The good news: it's 100% cotton, machine washable, and on sale from $175 to only $29.99. The bad news: it looks like a cross between my grandmother's after-church housecoat and a Nurse Ratchett costume. It's kinda see-through. It has no waist or any sort of definition. And did I mention the bit about looking like my 78-year-old grandmother's housecoat? I want to give this girl some supportive knee-highs, a pair of foam K-Mart slippers, and a stethoscope. Ooh, but you know what it would be good for? It could be a great pregnant Halloween costume if you added a sign that said, "I work at the fertility clinic, and we get results!"

All shirts from Destination Maternity, and i've linked them to their purchase pages, if you see something that floats your preggo boat.

1 comment:

Kristy said...

I'm loving all your commentary on fugly maternity clothes - funnier only because it's true! It's the same situation here in Australia, except they are all overpriced to boot. I plan on making (or being gifted) all my clothes, and not giving in to buying any.