Saturday, June 21, 2008

just say no to wampas

In case you don't know this about me, I have never done recreational drugs. Outside of alcohol and one crazy night of absinthe, my biggest drug experience was the valium-nitrous-percocet combo of my wisdom tooth extraction. What a long, strange trip that was! Hoo, boy, you haven't tasted grandma's chicken and dumplins while watching Clueless until you've done it with bloody-gauze-stuffed cheeks on percocet!

My point is this-- it doesn't take much to make me wacky. I'm a cheap drunk. The half a Unisom I take every night to cancel out my pregnancy-caused insomnia totally knocks me out within 30 minutes. So when we each had a whole Unisom last night at 9pm and put in Empire Strikes Back, we knew we were in for a rollicking good time. It went something like this, at least according to my slightly biased memory:

Him: So, we're watching Empire, because you're never seen the whole thing.
Me: Are you serious? Seriously? I've seen that movie 1000 times. It's Krull i've never seen the whole thing. Or Pirahna, I guess. One of them. Something about fire...
Him: Whatever. We're watching Empire. Put down your magazine.... OOOOOH! IS THAT ANNE HATHAWAY! HUBBA HUBBA!
Me: GIMME BACK MY SELF! I never get to read it before Cleo rips it up or you drool on it!
Him: Whatever. Where are you going?
Me: I have to brush my teeth and my hair, and wash my face, and something else... ablutions, dude.
Him: (reading my Self magazine) Okay, but hurry up. We've got to... watch... huh. Hey, this chick has no a$$! Why is she in the magazine if she doesn't have an a$$? Creepy. There's like nothing there. (in Austin Powers voice) It's a man, baby!
Me: Okay, i'm ready. Are we watching Empire?
Him: Yeah, just let me finish this page.
(movie starts)
Me: HOTH!!!
Him: Yeah. It's cold. "The Ice Planet Hoth."
Me: Tauntauns are cool. I totally want to ride a tauntaun.
Him: Yeah, I would totally ride a tauntaun. What?
Me: What?
Him: Huh?
Me: I said, "What?"
Him: Why?
Me: I dunno. SHHHHH. It's the WAMPA.
Him: They totally redid this in 1999 or something. You used to just see the arm, and it was all scary.
Me: Yeah, now it's like a blond Ludo from Legend. Or Labyrinth. Something. LUDO SMELL!
Him: It used to be the... the mystery... like, you didn't know.... anticipation.
Me: Now it's another stupid muppet. But the tauntaun looks good still!
Both: AND I THOUGHT THESE THINGS SMELLED BAD... ON THE OUTSIDE!!! HA HA HA!!
Him: You don't see scenes like this anymore. Suggestion. Now it's all lasers and BYOO BYOO BOO KABOOM! But this is... like... subtle. What they don't say. Somebody else directed it. The guy who taught George Lucas at film school.
Me: (not listening at all) Huh? Wait, why is Luke running around in the snow? That's just stupid.
Him: He panicked. He was about to be eaten! He had to get out!
Me: I guess. But, like, stay in the cave. Eat the wampa. Hang out. Now he's just floundering in a blizzard. How does this whiny nozzle make it all the way to Grand Jedi Poobah in the Legends of the Force book series?
Him: You've never been there! You don't know what it's like on Hoth!
Me: I know enough to not lay around dying in the snow. At least, like, dig a little pit and make a pocket and get warm or something. Like a... like a walrus. Luke's an idiot.
Him: (not listening at all) Huh? Oh, that's funny. They think they can make C3PO shut up by putting a hand over his mouth. GOOD LUCK WITH THAT, HAN!
Me: Hey, Han's pretty cute.
Him: Yeah. Wait, what? It's good acting, man.
(everyone falls asleep to the sounds of laser fire)

In conclusion, wampas and Unisom are the perfect nighttime combination for a pair of happily married nerds like us.

1 comment:

Misty said...

Great retelling of your evening! You want an interesting trip - watch Rosemary's Baby while drunk. You know, not that I've ever done that or anything....