Thursday, June 26, 2008

the joys of maternity clothing, part two

Thanks to too much green tea, even the second season of Scrubs can't put me to sleep. So here are some more horrid maternity clothes.

4. The saggy baggy Maggie Gyllenhaal
I know what you're thinking: Now that i'm pregnant, i'd really like a shirt that is made of shiny polyester, has pinchy 3/4 sleeves, buttons up to the throat, has a big floppy bow, and looks taut even on the model's relatively small belly. Ooh, and does it come in "Don't Run With the Bulls in Pamplona" red? I mean, i'm sure this lovely blouse neither gaps along the buttons nor shows pit stains as it traps all body heat. I'm imagining this is what Maggie's character in Secretary wears when she gets pregnant and wants a good throttling for being untasteful, unkempt, and untidy with punctuation. If you were James Spader, wouldn't you want to asphyxiate her for spending your hard-earned lawyer dollars on grandma's shower curtains?

5. The choice for the discerning pregnant 1980's vampire:
Where do I even start? The print is cute, except that at first glance, as a thumbnail, it looks like she's bleeding out, which is not the most encouraging look for a pregnant lady. And when the print is seen more closely, you just don't really need mod red flowers climbing up, or falling out of, your bajingo. Then we get to the long sleeves combined with the above-the-knee cut, which is all sorts of confusing. Summer? Winter? Should she be wearing some sort of thermal legging? The bosom looks like curtain rouching, and somehow the poor girl's shoulders have taken on the proportions of a football player. If you separated the colors, cut, and sleeves, you could possibly have 1 decent but seasonally inapplicable dress and two piles of spit-up rags.

6. 23-skidoo!
See, so many of us wonder where to get an authentic 1932 bathing costume, and here it is! Who needs an embarrassingly tiny tankini when you can go to the pool in your cotton and spandex short set with contrast trim? I have never felt the need to wear this much red at once. I imagine seeing this outfit in Predator vision, an enormously bright spot that could draw the eye away from traffic accidents and pedestrians ogling the horrible bow-neck top above. Maybe. In any case, get your hair bobbed, draw uneven seams up the backs of your swollen, vein-riddled legs and jump in the rumble seat, because we're going to the beach, Myrtle!

7. For lobster dinner after a polo match. Well, maybe fish sticks after water polo.
Wow. I know that we preggos spill a lot of stuff on our shelf-like bosoms and steppe-like stomachs, but does that justify building a bib into our shirts? If the horizontal stripes and tiny, constrictive little poofy sleeves weren't enough, then the bib definitely takes it into "kill the great white whale and burn its shirt, yarr" mode. I'm just not a polo girl, and when it's shapeless, stripey, nautical, bibbity, poofity, and constrictive, i'm more likely to employ it as a sail than a shirt. I double dare someone to wear this under the Mrs. Stuebing sweater for the next regatta at the yacht club.

Okay, i've had enough of frills, poofs, tie-backs, full-bellies, polyester, bows, and use of the words "smart" or "nautical" to describe maternity clothes. Despite our relative size, we are not boats, people!

4 - 6 from Motherhood Maternity, www.motherhood.com. 7 from www.kohls.com. Beware!

5 comments:

AngelaCB said...

would love your opinion of my company
mamalove.co.nz
Mybusiness partenr and I have taken over 2 months ago
hopefully it would not feature on your site, as we try to keep young,fresh snug fitting.

Mommy Dearest said...

Saw your post on Mothering. This is hilarious, and I completely agree!

Susanna said...

Oh, I am loving these! Especially that horrid short set.

I too have found some great things in the Target junior's dept. Plain-colored, long, babydoll-style t-shirts FTW!

mamamilkers said...

Holy crap, these are heelarious!!!

spryngtree said...

Hey that red shorts outfit could be cute. If it wasn't so red, didn't have the bow, had a different cut...ok no it couldn't be cute.

these are great. Thanks