Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Fragglestar Smurftastica

Dwight Schrute: Do you watch Battlestar Gallactica?
Partygoer: No...
Dwight Shrute: THEN YOU ARE AN IDIOT.

Which is why i'm kind of embarassed to love BG as much as I do. I didn't want to watch it. I didn't want to like it. I didn't think I *would* like it. But here we are, and i'm so psyched to see it every day that i'm sitting up in bed at midnight, begging Craig to endanger his health and job security by watching just one more episode.

Here is the premise, my version of "A 5 Minute, One-Woman Battlestar Gallactica"

Ahem. Spoiler alert.

Humans built Cylons, a bunch of smart computers. The computers became too smart, we beat them down and sent them away into space. 40 years later, they show up looking like us and perform mass genocide on 12 planets. Approximately 100,000 people survive, having been on interplanetary airplanes at that moment of dooooom. The Secretary of Education becomes the President, the failed Admiral who started the war is in charge of the military, and the greasy little weasel genius that gave a very foxy Cylon the key to mass genocide becomes the national science treasure and eventually the worst President ever. We meet many pilots and main characters that we will be forced to care too much about for way too long, including Starbuck (a chick, not a drink).

Billy dies, Boomer is a Cylon and shoots the Admiral, Starbuck and Helo go back to Caprica and find Sharon, a Cylon copy of Boomer, Helo and Sharon fall in love and Sharon gets pregnant with the first human-Cylon hybrid, which is born, and then the doc says she died, but the President stole her so they Cylons couldn't have her, Starbuck falls in love with a football quarterback named Sam, is imprisoned by Cylons and robbed of an ovary, escapes, crazy things happen on Battlestar Gallactica, they find another Battlestar called Pegasus, they find a habitable planet and call it New Caprica, the Cylons land and take over, the humans escape New Caprica, the Cylons blow it and Pegasus up and steal President Baltar, who has a 3-way with foxy blond Cylon and Warrior Princess Cylon, Apollo gets really fat and then thins up again, the fleet runs out of food and has to eat algae, Chief finds an ancient temple on algae planet and tries to blow it up but can't, the Lucy Lawless Cylon enters the temple and goes loony and is destroyed as a model, Apollo is married to Dualla and Starbuck is married to Sam but Apollo and Starbuck love eachother, so they get in a huge boxing fistfight and bleed all over eachother, Sharon makes Helo kill her so she can be reborn on the Cylon ship and steal back their baby from the Cylons, the President tortures Baltar for information and he thinks he's a Cylon, Chief and Cally get sucked out an airlock.

That about sums it up. And it's totally riveting. Just don't tell anybody how much I love it.

Someone might start to think i'm a dork.


1 comment:

Valerie said...

OMG thank you for the recap! I totally thought I would have to start netflixing to remember all the details before the SEASON 4 PREMIERE!!!! (so excited!!)