Thursday, February 28, 2008

My Very Exciting Magic Carpet Just Sailed Under Nine Palace Elephants.

I must be getting really old, because apparently, since I was in first grade, 2 new planets have appeared. Ceres and Eris. Named after the most boring Greek goddess (of that most exciting item, wheat), and the most moody goddess (the one that ruins everything). I can't believe that they skipped over Juno/Hera, Athena, and Artemis and went straight to Ceres and Eris. I just don't think those girls can compete with powerhouses like Mars and Jupiter and Pluto. I mean...

(At a party in LA)
Mars (dressed all in red leather and wearing Men in Black sunglasses): Hey, babe. I'm Mars, the God of War. You might have seen me in Jackass 3, and i'm starring in The Rock's next movie. I haven't seen you around...

Ceres (dressed in a flowing robe of doodoo brown): Oh, um, hi. I'm Ceres. Big C-little E-R-E-S, but it's pronounced like a television "series". Like Alf or Who's the Boss. Ha ha ha snort!

Eris (walking up in a black babydoll dress with fishnets and a nose ring): OMG, this party totally sucks. I just poured Draino in the punch and threw a glass of wine in some guy's face. He actually had a lightning bolt on his t-shirt! So lame.

Mars: Who's your, uh, friend?

Ceres: Oh, she's the goddess of chaos. And I'm actually the goddess of the harvest. You haven't heard of us?

Mars: (spitting his drink all over her teased hair) The harvest? Like where they make cabbage in Mexico? That's gotta be a rough life. "Oh, Ceres, please help our genetically modified, chemical-laden iceberg lettuce be white, crunchy and plasticky in time for the delivery to McDonald's next Thursday. In your honor, we burn this banana peel. HA HA HA HA HA! (walks off laughing)

Ceres: Oh. Um. Well. People need iceberg lettuce. I guess it's not as important as war... but i'm up for a Valtrex commercial next week.... my agent thinks i've got a chance....

Eris: Screw this pig. Let's go key his Lamborghini!

(fin)

Anyway, the new mnemonic for remembering the planets, all the old and exciting ones and the two new boring "mini" planets, is
My Very Exciting Magic Carpet Just Sailed Under Nine Palace Elephants. So we won't be forgetting that any time soon, eh? Applicable, useful, short, easy to remember. I do enjoy how we used to talk about an educated mother, and now we discuss magical carpets and enslaved elephants.

Ah, Science. You elusive and enigmatic ho.

I can only hope the next two ice hunks given formal names in space include Cloacina, the goddess of Roman sewers and Nodutus, the god who tied knots in stalks of wheat. Because we need a Screech in the celestial White House.

2 comments:

Evan said...

According to the authority in my life, Wikipedia, their are only eight planets.

Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturan, Uranus, Neptune.

Ceres, Eris, and Pluto are dwarf planets, which unlike the relationship: dwarfs = people, dwarf planets != (JAVA for not equal to) planets.

Yeah. I'm only moderately confused after re-reading my post.

delilah said...

Yeah, i've never heard of Saturan.

But i've heard of Zataran's, and they make some kickass red beans and rice.